Por-eef!

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison (herogreenlantern@hotmail.com)
Cast:

[Setting: Supermarket. Bruce stands in an apron and suit, at a stall.]

Bruce: [walking up to some man] Excuse me? Would you like to try a new kind of meat? It's light and tasty and called Por-eef! [man walks off] Late for your losers meeting, are you? [Bruce walks over and puts on a head set microphone. He also turns on some music and dances over to the crowd.] It's show time... Check.. Check.. Check. Hi!

Scott: Oh good! Free samples!

Bruce: But first of all, let me ask you all a question. How many of you good folks are sick of being taxed by the government?

[The crowd cheers.]

Bruce: And how many of you people think about Richard Nixon when you're having sex?

[The crowd looks a bit worried and upset.]

Bruce: Oh. I guess that's just me. But how many of you people here eat food?

[The crowd cheers and Scott raises his hand.]

Scott: I'd like a free sample.

Bruce: Okay. Soon. Today, it is my honor and my job to unveil... [pulls cover off the free sample tray] Por-eef It's a new kind of meat. It's got bite of beef with the smoky texture of pork... hence forth.. Por-eef!

Scott: Is it time for a free sample yet?

Bruce: Yes, but before I offer you a free sample I should ask...are there any federal agents here today at all?

[Everyone shakes heads.]

Bruce: Okay, well... then I'll just go for it! Now, please understand that special care was taken in developing this unique hybrid. [Bruce picks up a drink mixer along with a toy cow and pig showing each to the crowd.] Once upon a time we took a cow.... and a pig.... that were only mildly drugged. We put them together in a cage and forced them to do what eventually became natural. [Bruce puts the pig and cow in the mixer and shakes it up. We hear cow and pig squeal sound effects.]

Scott: Excuse me! Aren't you playing God?!

Bruce: Ma'am I think of it more as playing cupid. [the crowd "awwws" like a Full House audience] Now who would like to try a free sample? The proof is in the Por-eef!

Scott: I would! I would!

Bruce: I believe I heard you sir?

Mark: Well, ya know, normally meat is not my scene, you dig, but this smells so groovy I'd like to try some.

Bruce: Are you saying, stranger, that you are a vegetarian?

Mark: Right on, [winks] Stranger.

Bruce: Let me ask you: Are you a HAPPY vegetarian?

Mark: Hmm... good question, man. Do you mind if I tell you a story?

Bruce: Would ya? Please, huh?

Mark: You know folks, many years ago I used to dig meat. But I found that no one meat satisfied me.

Bruce: Kinda like women. [laughs]

Mark: You know, and it got to that I was combining my meats, ya know. Steak with baloney. Pastrami with everyday, ordinary chicken. But still, no one meat turned me on...

Bruce: So you're saying... no ONE meat is what you were looking for?

Mark: Far out, man! You read my mind!

Bruce: Well then, maybe Por-Eef is the meat for you?

Mark: I don't know. I'm skeptical. How can I be sure?

Bruce: Hmm.. how about a taste test?

[The crowd nods at this.]

Mark: A taste test? Sounds groovy.

[The crowd nods again.]

Bruce: [turns to a tray with a cylinder labeled "B"] Okay, now honestly. What's the better tasting meat? Por-Eef or this dark cola?

Mark: [glances at the crowd] Well, here goes nothing. [He sips the soda and shrugs. He eats the meat and gasps.] Woah, what a taste sensation... blows my mind!

Bruce: Allright! [they high five]

Mark: I definitely have to say that Por-eef is the better tasting meat.

Scott: But that's like comparing apples and oranges!

Bruce: Ma'am, do I come to your job and jump up and down at the end of the bed?

Scott: I don't get it.

Mark: [whispering to Bruce] Yeah, not since Expo 67.

Bruce: [laughs] Ummm....I believe what my stranger his is trying to say is that you should buy Por-eef and eat it.

Mark: Yeah, would anybody like to buy an advanced order of Por-Eef? Word on the street is it comes in easy to carry 20 pound boxes!

Bruce: That's right!

Scott: Well I'd like a free sample! [moves to take one] I just want one.

Bruce: No! No! No free samples! [tries to block Scott]

Scott: Well, I can't until I do. [tastes the sample] It tastes like catfood!

Bruce: Umm.. well.. umm. Plan B. Did I mention it was dirt cheap?

Mark: Yeah, folks. I was just in the gardening department and Por-Eef is actually cheaper than dirt!

[The crowd rush to get the Por-Eef as Mark and Bruce move off, Mark starting to peel off his hippie goatee and sideburns.]

Mark: Right on cue. Like drunken pigs to the slaughter....

Bruce: Please, can we talk about something other than work?

Mark: Like what?

Bruce: [shrugs]


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video