Bruce: Old People

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by:
[Bruce is in a recliner, with his feet up. There are logs next to him, unlit, yet he is warming his hands over them.]

Bruce: I've got nothing against old people. Really, I mean think about it. It's really hard to be old. Like the sands through the hour glass, so goes the days of our lives. And if you're old, which I'm not, yet, you've got nothing to do but sit around and watch The Days Of Our Lives, the soap opera. I've seen it when I was sick. It's really hard to be an old person. Everything's moving so fast. The sidewalk's like an obstacle course. Your head is dry and flaky like a rice cake. Your hands don't work so good no more. You wave at somebody...and you break your wrist. Your life is, how do I put it, narrowing? Did I mention shrinking? My grandpa is shrinking. He's a nice enough guy; but he's, like, shrinking. You know, you can hear him shrink. By the end of the day, his shoes won't even fit anymore. Kinda sad, actually, buying him children's clothes--tiny little Jurassic Park sweatshirts. Watch out Grandpa or the cat will eat ya! Not a tooth in his head! Sittin' there, shrinkin', watchin' TV, grandma's ashes beside him in an urn--he's getting too weak to even lift the lid off that urn. But is it sad?

Okay, I do have one thing against old people--they are so lazy. Yeah, I mean, they don't have jobs. They're just, like, lazy. It's 10am, you're still in your pajamas--is this place so clean? Well, why don't you sweep the streets? Go build a barn. I know, it's easy to say "go build a barn" with all those old people shrinkin' so bad they can't even hold tools. But they did it in Lilliput--hummin' and singin'. There's actually one very cool thing about old people. Man can they do it. You know, a guy reaches 80, 90 candles and he can just do it. Old people hump like squirrels. You can hear the howling from the old folks' home, or as they call it--Humpin' Heaven Hotel. Old people hump 23 hours a day. They other hour they sit and shrink, watch The Days Of Our Lives.

[Warms his hands over the unlit fire.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video