New Poets, New Philsophers

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison (

[We start out seeing this in white print, on a black background, while being read by an announcer.]

Announcer V.O.: It is the year 1997, Shortly after the *really* great war. Civilization begins to crawl it's way out of the debris. The greatly diminished remains of humanity search for their new poets, their new philosophers, their new leaders. Their very future.

[Cut to a bathtub, surrounded by lit candles. Kevin sits in it, singing.]

Kevin: My lady! My lady! I'm here on this planet to take care... of my lady.

Kevin: Yeah... yeah. [reaches over to an ashtray, and grabs a joint and takes a puff] My sugar! My sugar! I'm here in this world to pro-TECT my sugar... Wow.. wow.

[Kevin gets up from his bath. He is still covered with bubble bath foam Thankfully it keeps everything covered (although it does look like part of it may be made of a bunch of cotton balls glued together or something.) He walks over to Mark, who is sitting on the toilet, holding a wine bottle and a glass.]

[Kevin is still singing, though it's hard to tell what he's saying because he is slurring his speech like he is stoned out of his gourd. He picks up a roll of toilet paper and starts singing through it, which gets Mark laughing.]

Kevin: Wow. Whaddaya say, Lucy? Come and join daddy in the bath? The water's warm and I'm penning a tune for you.

Mark: [laughs]

Kevin: Hey, Lucy... do you want another joint?

Mark: [very drunk] No.. three's enough for me.

Kevin: [turning to bathroom door] Hey Toby! Roll another joint will ya? [goes back to singing] My lady....

Mark: [laughs]

Kevin: [coming back in] I think Toby's dead.

Mark: [very drunk] Three's enough for me...

Bruce: [entering bathroom] I've gotta get going...

Kevin: Toby! You're not dead!

Bruce: Hey, you took my last joint!

Kevin: [taking a toke] Come one, Lucy! Hop in! The water's warm and I'm HOT!

[Bruce goes over and wraps his legs around Mark. He also flushes the toilet and starts to take his shirt off. As Kevin sings he starts to give Mark a hickey and try and guide her hand to his butt.]

Kevin: [singing] My hot child! My hot child!.. I'm here..... [slurred] with my hot child!

[The following words scroll down, along with the announcers' voice.]

Announcer V.O.: The search continues.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video