My Training

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Joshua L. Moore
Cast- [The skit starts with a shot of Kevin, a red-haired, middle-aged wife, preparing food and putting it in the microwave. Bruce, a rather geeky, unassuming man with glasses, rushes in through the door, taking off his coat.]

Kevin: Hi, honey.

Bruce: [not even looking at her] I'm going straight to the bathroom.

Kevin: [shrugs, puts food in microwave, and starts it.] So how was your day?

Bruce: [tersely] Excellent; listen, I have to maintain my focus for my training.

Kevin: [disappointed] Oh--but--what about dinner?

Bruce: [still tense] I'm behind. I'll have to take dinner under. [shakes his head frustratedly, starts to walk away.]

Kevin: Alright.

Bruce: [turning back] Listen, I don't think you take my training very seriously.

[Kevin looks kind of hurt.]

Bruce: [under his breath] I don't. [He walks away.]

[Bruce turns both knobs on the bathtub. Shot of him checking his weight on a physician's scale. A chart is on the wall nearby. He checks it quickly, then slides the weights back. He puts on a pair of swimmer's goggles and a snorkel. He fits them, them blows the air out with his nose. He gets in the tub, starts a stop watch, and submerges his head under the surface of the water. He lays there for a couple of minutes, breathing normally. The shot changes to his perspective; he sees his wife holding a pan with what is presumably food in it. He nods to give her the okay. Kevin bends down, the shot changing to show him and Bruce in the tub. He grabs a piece of food in a pair of tongs, and feeds it down the snorkel. Bruce stops breathing, chews, and gulps.]

Bruce: [he nods.] Mmmm. [through the snorkel] It's delicious, dear.

[The shot changes back to Bruce's perspective. Kevin taps on the goggles with the tongs. Bruce rises out of the water, stops his stop watch, and takes his goggles and snorkel out.]

Bruce: [testy] What?

Kevin: How long are you doing?

Bruce: [sighs tersely] Five one-hour repeats with four-minute rests in-between.

Kevin: Ow. That sounds hard.

Bruce: It is. [expentantly] Do you want to watch?

Kevin: [quickly] No-- not really.

Bruce: Maybe Sunday, when I do my long-soak.

Kevin: [hesitates] Maybe.

[Cut to a dentist's office, where I am assuming Bruce is the assistant. They are sitting on either side of a woman, working on her teeth.]

Bruce: [to Mark] Have you heard of the new stainless-steel tub from Germany that has almost no skin-to-tub resistance?

Mark: No.

[Cut to Bruce. We see that he has the outline of the goggles chafed on his face, and his hair is still wet. He obviously has been doing this not too long ago.]

Bruce: Costs three-thousand dollars.

Mark: Oh? [working on the woman, says quietly] So, do you have any plans for the weekend?

Bruce: Yes, I have a competition.

Mark: A what?

Bruce: A soaking competition.

Mark: Oh, that laying around in the tub-thing. [nods] Yeah.

Bruce: Yes. [he grabs an implement off of a tray, and hands it to Mark.]

[Cut to an overhead-shot of a bathroom. Bruce is laying in the tub, practicing his soaking. Cut to outside of the bathroom, which is obviously unisex. Several women are standing outside, smoking. One of them is listening outside the door.]

Woman: He's been in there for about fourty-five minutes. What's he doing?

[Another woman makes the jerking-off motion with her hand. They all laugh, and listen intently. Bruce sits up, checks his stop watch, and lays back down. As the camera pans to show him in the tub, a dramatic chord sounds.]

[We then cut to a sign that says "SOAKING COMPETITION." There is dramatic music throughout the scene. The shot pans down to show a gymnasium-sort of room, where several people are preparing. There are several tubs in the room, with people at them getting ready. The judges are walking around as well. We pan across the competitors, preparing, and then we get to Bruce and his wife. Kevin his patting him on the back.]

Bruce: [testily shrugging her hands off of his shoulders, and pushing her away.] Would you just give me some space, please!?

Kevin: [backing away] Sorry, dear.

Bruce: [holding his arms out at his sides, his hands shaking nervously] Jacket.

[Kevin takes it off.]

[We show several other competitors and their supporters, preparing. One of them is a young man; one of them is older and somewhat muscular, with long red hair; one of them is a small boy being supported by his mother. We also see one of the judges, an older man wearing glasses and a club jacket, gauging the depth of the water. It is, to all intents and purposes, a BIG deal. Bruce is standing there, waiting for his wife to rub oil on his back.]

Bruce: [gesturing with his hands for her to hurry up] Come on.

[Kevin rubs the oil on.]

Bruce: Thank you, thank you.

[Pushes her away, rubs the rest on his body himself. He grabs his goggles and spits on them, rubbing it into the lenses. Very powerful music. A judge looks at his watch, blows a whistle, and ceremoniously grabs a megaphone.]

Judge: [into the megaphone] Soakers, take--your--marks.

[All of the soakers stand at the ready at the sides of their tubs, their goggles and snorkels on.]

Judge: [in the megaphone] Soakers, at--your--ready.

[They all simultaneously get in, sit down, and take their places, kind of like backstroke-swimmers do.]

Judge: Soakers... SUBMERGE!

[They all do. A couple of minutes passes, Kevin is sitting at the tub's side, reading from a magazine. Bruce suddenly splashes out of the water, spitting out water.]

Judge: [blows a whistle, jabs a finger at Bruce] Number two's out!

[Bruce is shivering, Kevin rushes at his side, throws a towel over his shoulders.]

Bruce: My breathing was off. I was too fast-- I was too early. My entry was soft. [disappointed] I blew it. [puts his glasses on] I blew it.

[Cut to afterward. Bruce is sitting at the kitchen counter, sulking. Kevin stares at him with pity.]

Kevin: Well... [gestures with his hands as if to say that it's no big deal.]

Bruce: Maybe I'm just in a training slump.

Kevin: You've been in slumps before, lots of them. [hugs Bruce with one arm.] Like you always tell me, you're getting better everyday in everyway.

Bruce: [dolefully] But I've plateaued. Perhaps its time I stop dividing my attentions and do the right thing. [pushes his goggles away.]

Kevin: Oh, honey.

[Kevin hugs him hard. Bruce winces, uncomfortable.]

[We fade in to later. Dramatic music. Kevin is eating dinner, alone, with a sad look on her face. The "right thing" obviously didn't include her. We then fade to a shot of an apartment door, 2A. Bruce is standing in a cramped, run-down, one room apartment. His chart is on the wall, and the phone is constantly ringing. Bruce is standing over a tub, majectically, pouring water into a small bathtub with a garden hose. He is wearing his goggles and snorkel, and is breathing in and out, deeply. He then sits in the tub, and lays back, with the dramatic music swelling.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video