My Hands

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by:
[Bruce is shining Kevin's shoes outside.]

Bruce: Nice day.

Kevin: Yep.

Bruce: My hands.

Kevin: Pardon me?

Bruce: My hands.

Kevin: What about your hands?

Bruce: My hands...they move and they shine.

Kevin: Yeah they [pause] they do a good job.

Bruce: Thanks. My hands wave good-bye. They also wave hello (hello said in a funny voice).

Kevin: My hands do that, too.

Bruce: I bet they do. But right now my hands have some shining to do.

Kevin: Good, I'm kind of on a tight schedule here.

Bruce: My hands say that's ok [makes OK sign with hands]. They know you have to go (laughs). [shines shoes] My hands move like a squid [makes squid-like movements with hands]. You can almost see the squid.

Kevin: That's great. Hey, why don't we get back to that shoe shining motion [moves hand in a circle-show shining motion].

Bruce: Check this one out--what do you think this is?

Kevin: I don't know.

Bruce: Wheat, wheat in a field. And now, a claw. My hands can almost point. They point--hey you, stop, put down that gun, or I'll shoot. [starts clapping] Well done hands. Well done. They applaud themselves. I'm not stoned. I'm just noticing things. Noticing things about my hands, as if for the first time.

Kevin: Oh yeah.

Bruce: [looks down] My penis.

Kevin: What?!

Bruce: My penis.

Kevin: Uh-oh.

Bruce: My hands, my penis.

Kevin: I've got to go.

Bruce: Pay me.

Kevin: I'm not paying you, you freak.

Bruce: Pay my hands. [Kevin's leaving] My hands will miss you.

Kevin: [yells from off camera] *Freak*

Bruce: My hands are sad.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video