The Monkeys

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison (

[Setting: A mansion. We see a padlocked door that light can just peer through, thanks to cracks and holes. Despite this, it does look strong and we can hear something struggling against the door. We pan over to Dave, an old man smoking a pipe.]

Dave: Monkeys are loose. Full of beans, sounds like to me. I let them loose... I mean, out of their cages... but I keep them in there... locked up in that room. If I was ever to let them monkeys out of the house, they'd be running this town inside a week.

[We cut to Dave standing next to another man, Mark.]

Mark: Everything he says is true.

[We see Dave stand before the door, undoing the locks.]

Dave: Monkeys are in here. Think I'll let 'em out.

[Dave opens the door a bit and light pours from behind it, a la the Ark of the Covenant in 'Raiders of the Lost Ark.' We hear the howls of monkeys before Dave closes the door again.]

Dave: [laughs] I was kidding. I wouldn't wish the monkeys on my worst enemy. These aren't cute monkeys. Nah. These are like those damn monkeys in "The Wizard of Oz"... only they ainít got no wings... and they smell bad... these are vicious, mean-spirited monkeys.

[Cut back to Mark and Dave.]

Mark: Saw a couple of them get a hold of a dog once....[shakes his head] hoo boy.

[Cut to Dave on a phone.]

Dave: If I don't get a pizza here in ten minutes, I'M LETTING THE MONKEYS LOOSE!

[Cut to a cab. Dave and Mark are in the back seat.]

Dave: Worked for 30 years over at the furniture department at the Eden's. Can't tell me everyone in this town didn't look down on me. Worked for commission. Lucky if I made 300 bucks a month. Now I run the whole damn furniture department! Ehhh? I live in Bobby Ore's house!

[The three men laugh, the cab driver doing so nervously.]

Man: Here you are, Mr. Lewis. And I just want to say how much my wife and I appreciate you not letting them monkeys out....

Dave: Oh, I figure I gotta let 'em out sometime..... tomorrow!

[The man looks very worried until Dave starts laughing. He laughs along with him.]

[Cut back to the study.]

Dave: People think I have got the power cause I've got the monkeys. Nope. I've got the power because I'll let the monkeys loose... They don't understand......

[Cut back to Mark and Dave alone.]

Mark: If he says he'll let the monkeys loose, he WILL let the monkeys loose.

[Cut back to Dave in his study.]

Dave: They goddamn don't understand THAT... and they goddamn don't understand me. But that's okay. That's all right, see... cause people.. they understand monkeys.

[We close up on the shaking door as he hear the monkeys howl and bang against it as the skit ends.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video