Laundromat Business Opportunities

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by:
[Mark takes a pair of boxers, smells them, then tosses them into the washing machine, puts in detergent and money, slams the lid and then looks to the bulletin board. One sign says "Business Opportunities" and has several arrows on the bottom than can be torn off. Mark takes one and holds it up (the arrow points to the right). So, Mark looks right and finds Bruce sitting on top of a machine with a briefcase.]

Bruce: So you've seen our ad. I'm so glad you've decided to come in and see us.

Mark: Come in? I've been here for ten minutes.

Bruce: Great. You must be eager, eager for a business opportunity?

Mark: Oh. [tosses the crumpled arrow onto a machine and starts back to his machine] Sure, whatever you say. [pause] What are you doing?

Bruce: I'm a businessman. I'm offering business opportunities.

Mark: Yeah? Like what?

Bruce: Well, where we like to being, usually, is what is your general impression of business?

Mark: Oh! Well, I think business is good. . .you know, because it helps the economy.

Bruce: Right!

Mark: And there's uh big businesses and small businesses; and, all of them have uh paper work, chairs, desks, executives, and number crunching--

Bruce: --Right! You sound like the kind of business opportunist we've looking for.

[Mark gets all excited.]

Bruce: Here, why don't you fill out this form. It will give us a little background information on you.

Mark: Okay.

[The form has one largely typed question: ]

Mark: [to himself] Are you interested in business opportunities--yes or no. [He checks "yes" and hands back the clipboard.]

[Bruce hesitates to look, but then is ecstatic with the answer.]

Bruce: "Yes!" This is how I think we should proceed--next time you come to do your laundry, you give us a call.

Mark: Heyyy! Are you trying to buy my dirty underwear?

Bruce: [uncomfortable pause] N-no. I'm not trying to buy your underwear. I'm trying to lease your underwear.

Mark: I knew it!

Bruce: No no, sir. It's not what you think.

Mark: There was a guy in here, a couple of weeks ago. He tried to buy my dirty underwear, only he wasn't slick like you.

Bruce: That was my ex-partner, sir. W-we're not trying to buy or rent your underwear, we're just trying to lease your underwear. We just want the title of ownership.

Mark: What?

Bruce: Yes, you get to retain possession of your underwear. It's totally a paper transaction.

Mark: Huh. Is there uh money involved with this?

Bruce: Of course, sir, there's money involved. I'm a business man. There's fifteen dollars [waves a stack of ones so it looks like a bundle of money.]

Mark: So, you'll give me fifteen dollars for the title of ownership to my underwear, and I get to keep it?

Bruce: Of course you do, sir.

Mark: But how do you make money doing that?

Bruce: We're idea people. We profit from the *idea* that we own the deed to your underwear.

Mark: Oh. Fifteen bucks? Sure. [takes the money]

Bruce: But in the event that you should perish, or your underwear becomes too soiled for your own tolerance, or you take them off for any reason like they're very soiled and you can't take th--

Mark: I knew it! Quit talking to me.

Bruce: I'll call this a "maybe?" I've got to go. [hops down] I've got another business opportunity.

[Bruce leaves, passing a man who is on his way in. The man lifts up the lid to his machine]

Man: Hey! Somebody stole my underwear!

Mark: Well, you should've read the fine print.

Man: What?

[Mark zips his lips and throws away the key.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video