Tucker: Ultimate Security System

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison (herogreenlantern@hotmail.com)
Cast: [Setting. Outside a gala event]

[A nice red sport with tinted windows pulls up to the curb. Exit a dapperly dressed man (Dave, maybe) who walks around and opens the door for his date. He escorts her to the door, turning to turn on his car alarm. The two walk inside as we hear some nice jazzy swing music. The doorman enters the building too as a the music comes to a denoument. As the music ends, Mark appears walking along the street]

Mark: Wow!

[Mark walks up to the car and pauses as if admiring it. He then leans his face against the glass as if to look inside. Pausing again, he tries the door handle. The alarm goes off as Mark runs away.]

[As Mark moves in front of the car, from inside the car we see a little panel flip up and light up. A Lighting-bolt symbol with a flashing red light appears on the screen along with the words "Intruder Detected". We see the car's headlights turn on and then cut back to the screen, which has brought up a photo of Mark, along with the follow text.]

Identity: Tucker
Status: Unemployed
Previous Record:
Loitering
Jaywalking
Resisting Arrest
Murdered Mouse
[The car zooms into action, following after Tucker slowly.]

[Mark is walking down the sidewalk,past a parking lot, eating something out of his glove. The car pulls up next to him and stops as he does.

He looks at it, and it revvs it's engine. He moves on and stops again as the car follows him and stops with him. Mark screams and runs like hell.]

[Mark runs around a corner and is grabbed by a big, bearded wino who tries to kiss him.]

Mark: [screaming] NO!!! [runs away]

[We cut to car, which is driving around trying to find Mark.]

[We cut to Mark, who is crawling through a dark alley.]

[Cut to Mark, entering his apartment. He closes the door, adjusts his scarf nervously and walks to the window. Carefully he peeks out to see the red car parked outside.]

Mark: No!

[Suddenly, the phone rings. Mark answers it.]

Mark: Hello?

Car: Hello.

Mark: Who is this?

Car: This is the car.

[Mark hangs up. We cut back to the car, and hear a speed-dial noise]

[The phone rings again. Mark swats at it with a pillow. He knocks it off the hook in the third ring. He looks nervously at the phone which begins to play an electronic version of Brahms Lulaby. He smiles as he picks up the phone.]

Mark: Hello?

Car: This is the car.

Mark: Hello? What car?

Car: The car you tried to steal.

Mark: I never tried to steal no car!

Car: Come outside.

Mark: Why?!

Car: Come outside.

Mark: [whinny] I can't! I'm in the shower!

[We cut back to the screen. It reads "Voice Diagnostic" and it plays Mark's words over and over, apparently acting like a lie detector.]

Car: Analysis indicates you are lying. Come outside or law enforcement will be alerted.

Mark: [sobs] Law enforcement?

[Cut to outside. Mark approaches the car nervously.]

Mark: Hello? Car?

[Mark knocks on the window of the car. As he does, it rolls down and a camera with a bright light turns around, extending to face him.]

Car: Please aplogize now.

Mark: [blinded by light from camera] What?

Car: Apologize to the car.

Mark: I'm not apologizing to no car.

[The car backs up suddenly, lining up as if to hit Mark. The camera turns again to face Mark as the engine revs up. It suddenly moves towards Mark who backs against the building and waves his arms in surrender as he falls to the ground and the car stops.]

Mark: No, no, no, no, no! No, please.. please.. I'm sorry! I apologize for trying to steal you, I'm sorry, I'm sorry... and I'm stupid, stupid, stupid! [etc.]

Car: Your apology has been accepted.

[The car pulls off, leaving Mark alone.]

[Later that night, we see Mark in bed. A bright light shines through his curtains, making it hard for him to sleep. We hear a muffled noise that sounds vaguely like Mark crying. Hearing it, Mark gets up and looks out the window. Before he reaches it, we see the car driving down the street, projecting Mark's screaming image on the buildings as it drives past and a loud speaker plays his apology. Many passers-by look at the image with great interest. As Mark gets to the window, it's being projected on his wall.]

Mark: Awwww... shut up!. [Mark tries to close the curtains and moves to go back to sleep]


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video