Cops: Marching Band Killer

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison (
Cast: [Setting: A Crime Scene. We see a photographer taking pictures, various neighbors watching the scne and many policemen wandering around looking at things.]

[A detective arrives on the scene and comes to the porch where an uniform officer is chopping up the wooden front porch with a fireaxe. As the boards are moved, someone comments on the smell, the photographer snaps pictures, and we see a corpse.. a blue-skinned man in a band uniform, clutching his mini-tuba.]

[We move into the house, following the detective. It's an old house, falling apart, and he searches with his flashlight, coming upon two uniform officers lifting debris off of a freezer. They lift the panel as the detective shines his light in to reveal the frozen corpse of a trumpet player, in band uniform, his lips frozen to his horn.]

[Cut to the detective shining his light on a spot in the ceiling. More officers are sawing apart the ceiling panels when a corpse holding cymbals, tumbles out, backwards. His cymbals bang together as he falls, comping to land in an L shape, torso danging backwards out of the hole.]

[We cut back to the front of the house, where Bruce and Mark lead out Kevin in handcuffs. They escort him to their car and lock him in the back as photos are taken. Mark tries to smile, wave and generally heroic for the camera.]

Mark: In.

[Mark gets Bruce's car door and Bruce sits down. Mark gets ready to move as Bruce coughs politely.]

Mark: Sorry.

[Mark closes the door for Bruce, remembering his genetlemanly skills finally and moves around to get into the drivers side of the car.]

Bruce: [turns to Kevin] You sir are a bad piece of business. BAD piece of business.

[Mark gets in the car and also turns around to Kevin.]

Mark: [interested] So why did you do it, man?

Kevin: [gets a crazy look in his eyes] Omp-pa Omp-pa Omp-pa Ya-dah-dah-dah. (etc.)

[Kevin repeats this rythm, obviously imitating the sound of an omp-ah band, as Mark turns around and shakes his head.]

Bruce: Okay. I think we get the point.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video