Transcribed from: Comedy CentralCast:
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison (herogreenlantern@hotmail.com)NOTE: This is the same couple from the Answering Machine Sketch in Season 4.
- Bruce- Man
- Kevin: Woman
[Setting: An apartment]
[Bruce and Kevin are looking at themselves in a bathroom mirror. They wear the same type of black, dotted pajamas, except Kevin's are pink and Bruce's are blue. They both take a cup full of mouthwash, gargle it and spit.]
Kevin: Fresh kiss?
[They kiss.]
Bruce: Mmmmm.. freshy.
Kevin: C'mon. Let's go to bed.
[The two giggle a bit as they walk to the bedroom. Bruce stops in the bathroom door.]
Bruce: Listen, honey? There's something I'd like to work on first.
Kevin: [sighs] Can we skip the exercises tonight?
Bruce: Listen... if we want the world to think we're a perfect couple, we have to work on it.
Kevin: [sighs] What do you want to work on?
Bruce: I'd like to work on the one we call... "I'm Late".
Kevin: [nods and sighs] Alright.
Bruce: Good. Thank you.
[The Two move over to a larger mirror. A sign over it reads "How We Look to Others" They both shake out in front of the mirror and assuming a closed acting position.]
Bruce: You ready?
Kevin: Yes. [moves away from mirror]
Bruce: So... Bar? How are things with you?
Kevin: [running up] Hi John. Hi Louise. Sorry I'm late. I had a bit of a fashion crisis. I couldn't decide what to wear!
Bruce: Well, I have to say it's well worth the wait because you look FANTASTIC!
Kevin: [hugs Bruce] Oh God. I'm so lucky I found him!
Bruce: [points at himself] I'm the lucky one!
Both: We just can't HELP ourselves! [shake themselves out again]
Kevin: That was great!
Bruce: [critically] Was it?
Kevin: Well, what was wrong?
Bruce: Well, I think the entry was soft... I think the hug was really ragged.... I just think the whole thing is really ragged.
Kevin: Really? Ragged?
Bruce: Yeah.. Let's do the hug again.
Kevin: Alright. [Bruce starts to hug but Kevin stops him] Well, let me get into it...
Bruce: Alright.
[Kevin exits]
Bruce: So, have you seen Bar? Have you seen Bar?
Kevin: [running up] Hi John. Hi Louise. Sorry I'm late. I had a bit of a fashion crisis. I couldn't decide what to wear!
Bruce: Well, I have to say it's well worth the wait, cause you look FANTASTIC!
Kevin: [hugs Bruce, more fiercely] Oh God. I'm so lucky I found him!
Bruce: [points at himself] No, I'm the lucky one!
Kevin: [holds the hug for a bit] Well, how was that?
Bruce: A little better.
Kevin: [glares] Let's go to bed.
Bruce: [pauses] There's something I think we need to work on.
Kevin: [sighs] What now?
Bruce: Slow Dance.
Kevin: Slow Dance? Slow dance is our best one!
Bruce: [critically] Is it?
Kevin: Well, everyone loved it last night! It was flawless.
Bruce: [even more critically] Was it?!?!
Kevin: Yes!
Bruce: Okay. Well, let's go through the beats, shall we? Okay. We're dancing alone in a public place. The music is playing. We sense people are watching us... so we stop.
Kevin: And silently mouth "I Love You."
Bruce: No, we don't! You improvised that for some reason. We're supposed to just kiss.
Kevin: Fine then....we'll just kiss.
Bruce: So tomorrow, it's agreed that we'll do the rehearsed version?
Kevin: [nods] Why are you so worried?
Bruce: Claire has a new boyfriend...
Kevin: What?
Bruce: And everyone says they're a perfect couple. They're the same height. They eat the same food... they finish each other's...
Kevin: ...other's sentences?
Bruce: YES!
Kevin: But we're everyone's favorite couple.
Bruce: For now... but they're nipping at our happy heels, honey.
Kevin: Don't worry, honey. We always have our secret weapon. We can always do "Break Up, See Other People, And Get Right Back Together Again."
Bruce: [questioningly] I believe that's "Break Up and Get RIGHT Back Together Again"?
Kevin: [sighs] Right..... Let's go to bed.
Bruce: Okay. I'm sure we'll want to look well rested tomorrow.
[The two get under the covers, not touching and say "Night" to each over.]
Kevin: [looks out window] Honey? The couple across the street is looking through our window.
Bruce: [pauses and considers] Do you want to try "Loud Sex"?
Kevin: Sure, we can practice that one....
[Kevin gets on top of Bruce and says "Oh yeah!" loudly a few times.]