Couple Exercises

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison (herogreenlantern@hotmail.com)
Cast: NOTE: This is the same couple from the Answering Machine Sketch in Season 4.

[Setting: An apartment]

[Bruce and Kevin are looking at themselves in a bathroom mirror. They wear the same type of black, dotted pajamas, except Kevin's are pink and Bruce's are blue. They both take a cup full of mouthwash, gargle it and spit.]

Kevin: Fresh kiss?

[They kiss.]

Bruce: Mmmmm.. freshy.

Kevin: C'mon. Let's go to bed.

[The two giggle a bit as they walk to the bedroom. Bruce stops in the bathroom door.]

Bruce: Listen, honey? There's something I'd like to work on first.

Kevin: [sighs] Can we skip the exercises tonight?

Bruce: Listen... if we want the world to think we're a perfect couple, we have to work on it.

Kevin: [sighs] What do you want to work on?

Bruce: I'd like to work on the one we call... "I'm Late".

Kevin: [nods and sighs] Alright.

Bruce: Good. Thank you.

[The Two move over to a larger mirror. A sign over it reads "How We Look to Others" They both shake out in front of the mirror and assuming a closed acting position.]

Bruce: You ready?

Kevin: Yes. [moves away from mirror]

Bruce: So... Bar? How are things with you?

Kevin: [running up] Hi John. Hi Louise. Sorry I'm late. I had a bit of a fashion crisis. I couldn't decide what to wear!

Bruce: Well, I have to say it's well worth the wait because you look FANTASTIC!

Kevin: [hugs Bruce] Oh God. I'm so lucky I found him!

Bruce: [points at himself] I'm the lucky one!

Both: We just can't HELP ourselves! [shake themselves out again]

Kevin: That was great!

Bruce: [critically] Was it?

Kevin: Well, what was wrong?

Bruce: Well, I think the entry was soft... I think the hug was really ragged.... I just think the whole thing is really ragged.

Kevin: Really? Ragged?

Bruce: Yeah.. Let's do the hug again.

Kevin: Alright. [Bruce starts to hug but Kevin stops him] Well, let me get into it...

Bruce: Alright.

[Kevin exits]

Bruce: So, have you seen Bar? Have you seen Bar?

Kevin: [running up] Hi John. Hi Louise. Sorry I'm late. I had a bit of a fashion crisis. I couldn't decide what to wear!

Bruce: Well, I have to say it's well worth the wait, cause you look FANTASTIC!

Kevin: [hugs Bruce, more fiercely] Oh God. I'm so lucky I found him!

Bruce: [points at himself] No, I'm the lucky one!

Kevin: [holds the hug for a bit] Well, how was that?

Bruce: A little better.

Kevin: [glares] Let's go to bed.

Bruce: [pauses] There's something I think we need to work on.

Kevin: [sighs] What now?

Bruce: Slow Dance.

Kevin: Slow Dance? Slow dance is our best one!

Bruce: [critically] Is it?

Kevin: Well, everyone loved it last night! It was flawless.

Bruce: [even more critically] Was it?!?!

Kevin: Yes!

Bruce: Okay. Well, let's go through the beats, shall we? Okay. We're dancing alone in a public place. The music is playing. We sense people are watching us... so we stop.

Kevin: And silently mouth "I Love You."

Bruce: No, we don't! You improvised that for some reason. We're supposed to just kiss.

Kevin: Fine then....we'll just kiss.

Bruce: So tomorrow, it's agreed that we'll do the rehearsed version?

Kevin: [nods] Why are you so worried?

Bruce: Claire has a new boyfriend...

Kevin: What?

Bruce: And everyone says they're a perfect couple. They're the same height. They eat the same food... they finish each other's...

Kevin: ...other's sentences?

Bruce: YES!

Kevin: But we're everyone's favorite couple.

Bruce: For now... but they're nipping at our happy heels, honey.

Kevin: Don't worry, honey. We always have our secret weapon. We can always do "Break Up, See Other People, And Get Right Back Together Again."

Bruce: [questioningly] I believe that's "Break Up and Get RIGHT Back Together Again"?

Kevin: [sighs] Right..... Let's go to bed.

Bruce: Okay. I'm sure we'll want to look well rested tomorrow.

[The two get under the covers, not touching and say "Night" to each over.]

Kevin: [looks out window] Honey? The couple across the street is looking through our window.

Bruce: [pauses and considers] Do you want to try "Loud Sex"?

Kevin: Sure, we can practice that one....

[Kevin gets on top of Bruce and says "Oh yeah!" loudly a few times.]


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video