Idiot Boy, Assistant

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison (

[Setting: An Office. Day. Several stories up.]

Dave: Well, I'm sorry, Stan. I mean, those contracts should have arrived this morning. No, no, no, no. I'm sure it's some screw-up over on our.. our end, so I'll get those sent out to you right away. Yeah, again, I'm deeply, deeply sorry, Stan. Okay? Bye-bye. Aww, man.

[No sooner does he hang up, then the phone rings again.]

Dave: Hello? Oh, Hi Ruth.. hi... No. The fax didn't come through? You didn't receive...oh... I'm... I'm sorry, Ruth. No, we're having...... we're having a lot of problems here... I'll send... I'll fax that out to you again right away. Yeah. No it's a lot of problems.. yeah, look I need to talk to my assistant about it. Yeah. Okay, again....deeply sorry, Ruth. Bye-bye. Bye.

[Dave presses a buzzer for an Intercom.]

Dave: Could you come in here for a minute?

[Scott enters. He's wearing bib overalls, with one side undone and a necktie.]

Dave: Idiot Boy? Mmm.. maybe you can help me out with something. I mean, something is happening here, or rather not happening. I mean, faxes aren't being received, packages aren't being delivered and I was just wondering if you had... if you had any idea what might be going on.

Scott: [mumbles incoherently]

Dave: Hmmm.. yeah... yeah. Well maybe you could do me a favor? Maybe you could just. you know, ummm.... keep an eye open, see if you can see whose messing up around here?

[Scott nods and moans, slapping Dave fairly hard on the shoulder a few times.]

Dave: [laughing] Okay. Well, thanks a lot, Idiot-Boy.

[Scott turns around and begins scratching at the closed office door, like a dog who wants out.]

Dave: Let me get that for you... I'm sorry... don't know how it got like that.... Counting on you!

Scott: [moans again]

Dave: [closes the door and shakes his head] He's a good man.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video