Lesbian House Tour

Transcribed from: Studio Taping
Transcribed by: KdsInThHal@aol.com
Cast: Bruce: Hullo. Welcome to the Hairtotoe tour parades. (skit cast applauds) Yes. The house was originally built, in 1821, by Winnifred Lacey and Jesse Potato. The first openly lesbian couple in Ontario history. (applause)

Scott: They're...hideous.

Kevin: They are not, they're noble looking.

Scott: Yes for ["harry forry buds"??].

Bruce: You, silence! Your masculine voice is not wanted in this sacred place.

Scott: Well, correction. This is not a *masculine* voice. Well; unless you think that Lauren Bacall has a masculine voice - then you have a point. *Too* bad it's on the top of your head.

Bruce: And you have a point. Too bad it's at the end of your penis. Keep it away from me.

Kevin: [Maybe, Shona; the women face any harrassment from the members of the community?]

Scott: -- Kiss ass?

Bruce: Yes of course they did. In 1825, Jesse Potato was brought before the town council, and accused of wearing clothes of the opposite...*SEX*!

Scott: How could they tell...

Bruce: Now we are standing, in the hand holding room, which leads to the hair-brushing room. Now join me if you will, at the table, where they ate the harmonious evening feast: a cruelty-free vegetarian fare, served consentually, on this democratically laid table.

Scott: Can you imagine the cat fight over the last chunk of tofu?

Bruce: NO SMOKING! Winnifred and Jesse-- forbade it! Look at the sign!

Scott: Damn lesbians haven't changed in 200 years.

Bruce: You - gay white male - lesophobic..smoker - you are banished from this groovy tour!

Scott: GOOD!

Bruce: Fine. We'll go to the jams and jellies room-- the room where they made jams -- and *jellies*!

Scott: Well are you coming or going or going or coming or coming or going or going or coming or going or coming or going.

Kevin: I'm going to finish the tour.

Scott: Well then good go. You're no fun. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! My god -- where am I? I seem to have stumbled..{mumbling}--

Dave: It's the schmokin' room.

Scott: Whua! -- Who are *you*?

Dave: I'm a ghost. Who are you.

Scott: The name's DeBuzz....Steven DeBuzz. *Diamonds* ma'dear...And you are?

Dave: The name's Potato. Jesse Potato. Carbohydrates, my dear.

Scott: Touche, ah.

Dave: Smoke?

Scott: Aye, yes...Don't mind if I do, but - what about that 'no smoking' sign - Shona said that you and Winnifred were goddamned la la 'bout smoking.

Dave: Awwr, nope. {puff} That was just Winnifr'd. {puff} She never knew I smoked.

Scott: Tah.

Dave: That's why I had to build this here secret room.

Scott: She sounds just like my Smitty - two peas in a goddamn pod.

Dave: *Women.*

Scott: *Men.*

Dave: 'Thing though: I couldn't help but over hearin', earlier on, you callin' us hideous...

Scott: Haaah-- [apologetic] Well, about that, yes, you see, I just use that word to describe everything -- it's just a reflex; a doctor taps my knee, I say 'hideous' -- the Hawaiians say "aloha!", I say 'hideous'. No... not that I expected from Shona's [admiteration??] I thought you'd be more - *hideous*.

Dave: Well... I wouldn't pay Shona no nevermind. She's about as much fun as the hind end of a half-wit mule at a Sadie Hawkins dance.

Scott: *Yee-haw*. You know - I never talked to a ghost before. I'd never really talked to a *lesbian* before. [exclaiming] It's a day of *firsts*! Tell me, Miss Potato, what do you miss most about life.

Dave: Smokin'?

Scott: Ach yes! We've been wagging our jaws so much, we've completely neglected our cancer's dish. Mmmmmwah.. head's up. {light, puff}

Dave: Thanks. Mind if I keep this lighter?

Scott: Well, my lover gave me that. It's a symbol of our love and d'-- keep it.

Dave: I've gotta be goin'. I've been waiting a hundred and 50 years for a light. Now my soul can rest in peace.

Scott: I know, it's maddening when you don't have a light -- where did she go.. Well. What a brave new world, lesbians making exits. Heh.

Kevin: Steven, Steven, where are you?

Scott: Ehh, well, it's back to the world of the barely living...Coming, lover...

Kevin: *Where* have *you* been.

Scott: I was just reading the eclectic works of Sappho [!!!], *good* book.

Kevin: You were smoking. [That's you're on your own, you're having sex with someone who just came back from India. ???]

Bruce: [sniffing] Smoke! Smoke! ...Smoker! Did I not already banish you from this tour?

Scott: You know Shona, I owe you an apology. I've learned something on this tour. Lesbians are not all hideous. But *you* are.

Bruce: And I've learned one thing--

Scott: What's that.

Bruce: Get out.

Scott: Mm! *With pleasure.* Quickly. Not a word..

Kevin: [mumbling] Sorry, sorry, sorry...

Scott: ...Stop apologizing for me....

Bruce: So what time do you beauties get off work?


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video