Immortal Comforter

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison (

[Setting: A Hospital Waiting room. We see Dave comforting an old woman (Mark).]

Mark: He died so suddenly... I never even had the time to say.. I love you Daddy.. I love you Daddy....

Dave: I know.. I know.. I know

Mark: I'm sorry....I shouldn't be crying to you like this... but....

Dave: Don't be ashamed... don't be ashamed.. it's good to cry.

Mark: [breaks down crying as Dave hugs him]

[Cut across the room to where a doctor (Bruce) has walked up to a man (Kevin).]

Bruce: I'm sorry Mr. Patterson. We did everything that we could but she just couldn't make it.

Kevin: Oh my God! What am I gonna do?!?!

Dave: [running over and hugging him] You're gonna be okay... you're gonna be okay...

Kevin: What am I gonna do?!?!

Dave: It's good to cry. It's healing.

[Kevin starts sobbing as Dave turns to Bruce.]

Bruce: [Sobbing] If only I could have done something more!

Dave: Look....You're not a god!

Bruce: I'm not....

Dave: I'm sure you did all you could... go ahead, cry on my shoulder! Excuse me...

[Bruce is about to do that as Dave runs to Mark, who is sobbing louder than before and hugs him.]

Dave: You're gonna be fine... you're gonna be fine... gotta go

[Dave runs over to Kevin, Mark reaching out for him as he leaves.]

Dave: You're going to wake up and the sun is still gonna be shining, I promise you!

[Kevin keeps sobbing as Dave goes to Bruce, who is now sitting down.]

Dave: Weren't you listening? I said you're not a god!

Bruce: You're right... but don't worry about me. Right now he needs the love and support of his family. [motions to Kevin]

Dave: Of course... [moves to Kevin]

Kevin: Actually, I don't know him.. I thought he was with her...... [points at Mark]

Mark: I've never seen him before in my life....

Bruce: [standing] Just who the hell are you, mister?

[All pause to regard Dave as he looks around.]

Dave: I'm.... I'm.... I'm from a race of immortals.

[All gasp and look at Dave with awe.]

Dave: Yes, we've walked amongst you for countless ages. I come here to try and learn something of the pain of loss. The loss brought on by this thing called death. So grieve not for those who have died today. Instead, grieve for those of us who go on and on forever without hope of rest.

[Kevin and Mark reach out and touch his jacket.]

Dave: Please... leave me now... I have already told you too much....

[Dave collapses in a chair, burying his face in his arm. As the others leave him he looks up, smiles and laughs quietly.]

Dave: [smiling] Race of immortals.

[As he says this, a black couple and a doctor enter the room sobbing. He turns to them and embraces them all.]

Dave: You're going to be fine... let me tell you....

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video