The Hit

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison (

[Setting: A Dark Warehouse on the second floor. A desk is under one of the lights, near the windows.]

[Dave enters the room and sits across from Scott.]

Scott: I'm told by people who know these things that you are a man who can handle a delicate situation. A man who can eliminate certain irritants.

Dave: Look. I don't know what you're talking about.

Scott: Understood. I don't know what I'm talking about either, eh? Heh.

Dave: No. No really. I don't know what you're talking about. I don't have a clue. [Dave pours himself a drink.]

Scott: I want you to kill a man.

Dave: Ah. That I do. I kill people for money.

Scott: Well, there's a situation that's I'd like you to handle.

Dave: In addition to killing a guy?

Scott: Pardon me?

Dave: The situation you want me to handle. This is in addition to me killing a guy?

Scott: No. The situation is that I want you to kill a guy.

Dave: That I do.

Scott: Heh.

Dave: Did you hear that?

Scott: No.

Dave: There it is again.

Scott: I don't hear anything.

Dave: Did you hear it that time?

Scott: Ah. I think you're hearing my voice.

Dave: [thinks] Yeah. Yeah. So, tell me. Who is this guy that you want me to kill for money? If you know what I mean?

Scott: [hands him a photo] Here's a picture of the guy. I think you know him?

Dave: You crazy? This is a picture of me!

Scott: Well, if you don't think you can handle it....

Dave: Oh I can handle it. But I'm gonna need a lot of money. And I'm going to need it up front.

Scott: [opens a briefcase and shows it to Dave] Do we have a deal?

Dave: This man's is good as dead. [pulls a gun and puts it in his mouth]

Scott: No! Not now! Wait until I've left. I don't want to be anywhere near here when you do it.

Dave: How come?

Scott: How come? Cause I wanna have an alibi so the police can't link me to murder. That's the whole point in hiring someone like you.

Dave: Oh yeah.

Scott: Yes. So give me plenty of time to get out of the area, okay?

Dave: [winks] Sure.

Scott: Allright. I'm leaving now. Okay?

[Scott leaves.]

[Dave puts the gun back in his mouth and tries to pull the trigger but his other hand pushes the gun away, first out of his mouth and then out of the other hand, sending it flying across the room.]

Dave: Damn. This is going to be a lot harder than I thought.

[He walks to get the gun, but his left hand grabs him from behind and pushes him to the floor. He begins to forcibly drive himself, face first into the floor. In this struggle, the gun is knocked across the room, next to a window. Dave wrestles his way up and walks to the gun, his left hand again struggling with the right to stop the right hand from firing. The gun fires three times in the ensuing struggle. Once hitting the ceiling, the second breaking a gas pipe, and the third knocking down the light.]

[Cut to outside where Scott is walking out onto the street.]

[Scott looks around and exhales as he hears gunshots. He begins to move hurriedly away.]

[Back in the warehouse, we see Dave's right hand finally won and as he brings the gun to his cheek he fires he hears... that he's out of bullets. He looks at the gun, and hits himself in the head with it, sending him backwards out a window.]

[Back on the street, Scott is walking away when in a shower of glass, Dave lands in front of him.]

Scott: [angry and psychotic] I told you to wait until I was long gone! Can't.. you.. follow.. a.. simple.. set... of... instructions?!?! [He begins to kick Dave, screaming incoherently. A woman sees this.]

Woman: [screams] Someone call the police! A man is being beaten to death! Police! Police help!!

[By this point, Scott is banging Dave's head into the sidewalk. We pan down the street away from the woman, to where we see a cop car and our two cops, Bruce and Mark, asleep Mark is woken up by the screams and wakes up Bruce as he turns to see what is going on out the back window of the car.]

Mark: Hey partner?

Bruce: Yeah?

Mark: Wake up.

[The two run up and restrain Scott, who has returned to kicking Dave.]

Mark: Hey! Come one! He's dead already! You killed him, so leave him alone!

Scott: But officer! You don't understand!

Bruce: I understand you're going to prison for a long time you sick bastard!

Mark: Hey... language.!

Bruce: Yeah, you're right.

Scott: But he was supposed to wait!

[They carry him off as Scott keeps screaming "He was supposed to wait!"]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video