Hillbilly's Problem

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison (herogreenlantern@hotmail.com)
Cast: [Setting: Inside a barn]

[We see a man with a bucket, a farmer (Dave), approaching a cow and kneeling beside it.]

Dave: Come on, Bessie.

[Dave grunts as he gets on his knees and notices something on the ground. We see a glint of golden metal as he gets up and kneels again, behind the cow.]

Dave: Lookie there? Lucky penny.

[The cow moos and kicks Dave in the head, sending him flying.]

[Cut to: A hospital. We see Dave in a bed, hooked up to an IV, in a coma.]

[Pull away to Kevin and Mark, talking to Scott.]

Mark: So, what you're saying Doc, is that he ain't ever gonna come out of it?

Scott: No, I never said that. What I said was is there's a good chance he might come out of it. We just don't know when. Could be a couple of days... could be a couple of...

[In the background, the IV heartbeat speeds up as Dave sits up.]

Kevin: By jimmeny, look! [??] Brother Jed's plum come out of it...

Mark: He's sitting up there.

[We close up on Dave who doesn't look all there.]

[Cut to a bit later. The three rednecks are sitting at the dinner table. They are watching a black and white TV, on which a Hawaiian movie plays. Loud drum beat music from the TV is heard as we focus on Mark.]

Mark: [to Dave] Hey, would you mind passing me the salt?

[Dave tries his best, but cannot pickup up the salt shaker, though it is right in front of him. His aim always goes to the left or to the right. He also hits the one lamp above the table once with his hand. Mostly he knocks food off the table and makes a mess.]

[Cut to: A bit Later. Mark and Kevin are in longjohns and have just stepped down to the kitchen. Dave is still there, even though it is dark, and is still trying to grab the salt shaker.]

[Cut to a bit later: Mark is on the phone, Kevin by his side, Dave in the background trying to very slowly get the salt shaker.]

Mark: Well, he appears to be having some def-fickle-tea [difficulty] of getting the salt. No, no. You CAN get salt pretty good. [Kevin nods] So you're saying there's nothing we can do?

[Cut to Scott on phone. There is a white curtain behind him.]

Scott: No. I never said that.

Mark: Oh.

Scott: I said there's nothing we can do.

Mark: Well, that's what I said you said.

Scott: Oh, did I? I'm sorry. You caught me in the middle of a party. I'm a little drunk. [giggles] Good luck.

[The curtain is pulled aside as we see several doctors and nurses partying.]

[Cut back to the farmhouse kitchen.]

[Dave reaches past the salt shaker, grabs the table cloth, and folds it over onto itself.]

Kevin: Could be worse. He could have used to be smart.

Mark: [nods] I got a idea.

[Cut to: The Barn]

[Mark pounds the cow in the behind and it kicks Dave in the head again.]

[Dave goes flying and doesn't move. Mark and Kevin look at each other.]

[Cut to later that night. We see Kevin dragging a body from the back of a pickup as Mark digs a hole, with the farmhouse lights in the background.]

Mark: I don't know what went wrong? Always seemed to work on the Flintstones.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video