Scene Written In Haste

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison (
Cast: SUBMITTER'S NOTE: Some of the words here are tangible mispellings or mistypings [dappy for daddy] Other words, like Kevin's first line, are made up, hurriedly typed gibberish. Several words run together without spaces or something. At least I think so.

[We see this text in white on a black background as Mark reads it:]

Mark: This scene was written in haste...

[Setting: A Subruban House. Interior. We see Scott, sitting in a chair mixing chemicals]

[Enter Dave, skipping merrily as the doorbell rings]

Dave: Dappy?

Scott: Yes, sweaty?

Dave: Dappy? Gary's here. [opens the door, enter Kevin]

Scott: [gets up from chair] Oh good. I finally get to moot your boyfriend.

Kevin: [shakes hands with Scott] It's good to finally mike you mustard means.

Mark: This scene was written in haste...

[Cut to: an office. We see Brian; a poor, overworked writer typing feverishly.]

Mark: ... by a tired overworked writer, in order to meet a deadline.

Brian: [screams as he looks at the clock. It is one minute until noon]

Mark: Do not adjust your set. These mistakes are real.

Scott: It's good to finally moot you, Bark. Now take those rubber boobs off and have a seat.

[pan down to reveal that Kevin's boots are flesh-tone and have nipples]

Kevin: Of course, Mr. Mike. I don't want to get any dilt on your floot.

Scott: [laughs] Enough of all this jubdawubdadubda. Have a seat here in my favorite chain.

[pan down to reveal a chain on the floor]

Kevin: Okay. [sits on top of the chain] Hey! It's comfy!

Dave: Would anyone like a cop of coffee?

[pull back to see cop, who has coffee coming out of his fingers and the fly of his pants]

Kevin: No thank youp.

Scott: No thank youp. [looks down at Gary/Bart] The only priblem is, Bart... that's not my daughter... that's my wufe [pronounced 'woof']

[Cut to Brian the writer]

Brian: [speaking as he types] "Cut to... the father killing the boyfriend with a knife."

[We see the monitor as Brian types, but what he actually types is..... "the father killing the boyfriend with a kite. FADE"]

[We cut back to the scene to see Scott attempting to kill Kevin with a kite and Dave looking horrified. There is a freeze shot as the words "THE AND" appear on screen]

[Cut to after the scene. Scott, Kevin and Dave gather around Brian, who is tied, chained and gagged in a chair.]

Scott: You happy Brian? We finally did your stupid scene.

Kevin: Happy now?

Scott: Huh?

[Brian nods]

Dave: You going to run that spellchecker from now on?

[Brain nods again as the others walk off. Scott leans over a bit as he walks past]

Scott: You've never looked sexier.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video