Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison
Cast- [Setting: A car.]

[The car drives along through the wilderness. Mark is driving and Kevin is in the passenger's seat.]

Kevin: So where the hell is this place?

Mark: It's a little out of the way but it's a magnet for chicks! [Kevin laughs] We are gonna get laid tonight!

Kevin: That is our mission!

Mark: Mais oui, mon Captain!

Kevin: Woo!

[The two laugh together for a moment.]

Mark: Sure... hunting for chicks in bear country.

Kevin: [mildly worried] Bear country?

Mark: Oh yeah... the forest around here is a nesting area for grizzlies.

Kevin: Well, lucky for me I went to Cub Scouts. So I know exactly what to do if we come across a grizzly... or some women!

Mark: On track mind... [grins] I like!

[The two laugh, cheer and yell WOMEN! Several times as they keep driving.]

[Cut to: the interior of a bar. We get a close up of two men doing "The Bump" together. We pan up to see Kevin and Mark standing in the middle of a dance floor. It is very apparent that there are only men at this bar.]

Kevin: Are you sure this isn't a gay bar?

Mark: No way! My friend who told me about this place is straighter than straight, okay?

[A voice, with a slight lisp, comes over the PA. It is the D.J.]

D.J.: Hello, everyone. This is your D.J., Harry Balls, reminding you that in an hour the Macho Men will be performing, but until then... keep dancing, boys!

[The music changes to a slower song as Mark looks at Kevin.]

Mark: Okay, well I'm going to go and try to find some ladies!

[Mark squirts some breath spray into his mouth and barks at Kevin as he walks off.]

[We cut to the bar and see a big, hairy man who can only be described as "bearish" drinking a beer. He looks around and he sees Kevin, standing alone on the dance floor. He squints a bit, and from his beer-goggles wearing eyes, we see where Kevin was a much more handsome, young David Hasslehoff kind of man. To his mind, this dream man is smiling in his direction.]

[He gets up and walks across the room to Kevin, who is standing by the wall, trying not to get noticed. Eventually, the bear reaches him and stands very closely. Kevin tries to ignore the man at first, but eventually returns, expecting to talk. The man's arm shoots out and cups Kevin's groin. Kevin looks down and then looks up, obviously horrified. The bearish man looks back at him, right into his eyes. As the two stare, we close in on Kevin's eyes and go into his head as he flashbacks.]

[Cut to: a group of boys, sitting around a campfire. One of them, whom we start closed up on, looks like a younger Kevin. They are addressed by a Scoutmaster, Dave.]

Dave: Listen up, kids. Surviving a grizzly bear attack. You may never know when you need this.

[Cut back to the dance floor, the bearish man still grasping Kevin's manhood.]

Dave (V.O.): Step One, Never stare the grizzly in the eyes. The grizzly may think you are challenging him. You do not want to challenge the grizzly when he attacks.

[Kevin slowly turns away, trying to avoid eye contact with the bearish man.]

[Cut back to the campfire in the past.]

Dave: Step Two, should the bear continue his pursuit...

[Cut to: a cabin in the deep woods. The bearish man has Kevin slung over one shoulder. He throws Kevin down, onto a bed. Kevin lies on the bed, stock still, not blinking.]

Dave (V.O.): Play dead. [The bearish man rips off his flannel shirt, revealing that his chest is just as hairy as his face. The site of this causes Kevin's stone face to break in horror.]

[We get a close up of a fire as we cut back to the past and Dave.]

Dave: Step three, climb to the highest place you can find.

[We cut back to the present and see Kevin trying to climb a bookcase/hutch shelf, while banjo "chase" music plays in the background. The bearish man, now down to his black cotton briefs, grabs Kevin and tries to pull him down. Kevin's firm grip on the shelf holds, but the man manages to pull down Kevin's jeans, giving us a quick flash of his bare bum. Kevin gets a very shocked expression.]

Dave (V.O.): But... if the bear gets a hold of you, do not fight back!

[Kevin blinks, and a look of resignation comes over his face as he lets go and slides to the floor.]

[We cut to a shower. We see Kevin, standing stock sill and nervous, being scrubbed with a loofa. We pan back to see a very hairy shoulder and the large bearish man, washing him.]

[Cut to: The car. Kevin sits dazed in the passenger's seat as Mark drives.]

Mark: So what happened to you last night? Did you get lucky? Huh?

[Kevin is silent.]

Mark: C'mon! You haven't said a word all morning! Why don't you just tell me what happened?

[Kevin remains silent.]

Mark: Allright. Fine! Tell me when you want to.

Kevin: I was... um... attacked by a bear last night.

Mark: What? Oh my god... when?

Kevin: I don't want to talk about it.

Mark: Ya know, that's really weird. Cause I could have sworn you had sex last night...

Kevin: I don't want to talk about it.

Mark: I mean, c'mon.. you've got human hair all over you...

[We cut to an outside view of the car, driving off into the wilderness as the banjo chase music plays again.]

Kevin: I don't want to talk about it.

Mark: Awww, c'mon!

Kevin: I don't want to talk about it.

Mark: Was she a pig (?) [Unitelligible from audience laughter]

Kevin: I don't want to talk about it.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video