Problem With Relationships

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison (

[Setting: An living room.]

[We see Mark sitting in a chair looking at a check as Bruce gathers up various papers and office supplies from a desk and leaves. Bruce is crying. We hear Kevin and Mark speak over this scene in voice over.]

Mark: What happened to us? You know, I... I really thought that she was the one.

Kevin: Look, you met her in March. You hand in your taxes. She's an accountant and you fell in love. So she did your taxes.

[We cut to the present. Mark is sitting in the same chair. Kevin sits across from him on a couch. Kevin gets himself some pizza from a box on the coffee table.]

Mark: Yeah, but where did our love go?

Kevin: Well... think about it. When you got your rebate check, you broke up.

Mark: Yeah. She started acting weird. Our communication wasn't working. I mean, she was still a great accountant, but.....

Kevin: Yeah right! SHE'S the problem.

Mark: [confused] What are you saying?

Kevin: You should really think about seeing a shrink. You've got a... real problem with relationships.

Mark: Bad luck!

Kevin: Problem.

Mark: No, bad luck!

Kevin: Problem!

Mark: Hey, quit playing head games, man! Some friend you are! I ask you over here to help me out cause I'm feeling down.... And you just wanna play head games?

[Kevin shrugs as he eats his pizza]

Mark: I'm emotional, all right?!?!

[Cut to sometime past. Mark is in the bathroom, sobbing over the accountant while relieving himself in the bathroom. He then turns to the sink to wash his hands, but as he turns the faucet the knob comes off and water shoots from the sink, hitting him in the face. He continues to sob.]

[Cut to a bit later. We see Mark sitting in his chair reading a newspaper. We hear drilling in the background. He puts the paper down, and looks up.}

Mark: How's it going up there, honey?

Scott: Great! I just about got the sink pipes cocked in. [Comes downstairs and starts putting down tools] Oh yeah, oh. Ya can't go wrong with copper, eh.

Mark: Really?

Scott: Nope.

Mark: [thoughtfully] Well, I wonder....

Scott: What? Whatcha wondering over there, baby?

Mark: Nothing. I've just always wanted a bigger bathtub in that room, ya know?

Scott: Yeah?

Mark: Yeah.

Scott: Well, I'll put one in this weekend for ya.

Mark: What? Isn't that expensive?

Scott: Oh, hell no! I know a wholesaler who's about to go tits up, eh? I can get ya a whirlpool unit for half price.

Mark: Hey. Come here. [Scott moves over on his knees and Mark takes his face and holds it]

Scott: Sure. What is it, lover?

Mark: You're real! This... is real.

[Cut back to present]

Kevin: So you threw her out. [Not a question. A statement.]

Mark: It was for her own good.....

[Cut to the past. We see Scott picking up his tools and leaving the bathroom and looking in disbelief behind him. We pan over to see Mark sitting in the bathtub, whirlpool on sipping a glass of red wine and sobbing his eyes out. We keep watching him as Mark speaks in voice over]

Mark V.O.: She was too good for me, I mean, you know me, man! I'm really complicated! And she was just a... nice, honest girl... really sweet... and a great plumber..... I dunno, I mean my work needed attention, and things got all....

[Cut back to the present]

Mark: I mean, why can't love work for me?!?! I think! I feel! Huh?

[Kevin just stares at Mark]

Mark: You know.....I think I missed a really good thing when I let Martha go. I've thought about it a lot lately...... I was thinking of giving her a call.

Kevin: Why? You hungry?

[Cut to sometime later. Mark is sitting at a table eating a gourmet meal.]

Mark: Martha, this is delicious!

[We cut to Dave in the Kitchen. He enters holding two small plates, standing in the door]

Dave: You really hurt me, you know?

Mark: I know. But I've changed. I'm even thinking about seeing a shrink.

Dave: Really?

Mark: [looking at plates] Is that desert?

Dave: [sitting down] Furfitta[sp?] Rolls.

Mark: Furfitta rolls? [Dave nods] You remembered! These are my favorite. You know me. You really know me. [smiles] Why am I so scared to be known, Hmm?

[Cut to a bit later]

Mark: [belches] Martha, what are we doing?

Dave: Don't you remember? You said you were never going to hurt me again?

Mark: I know, I know... but I mean, what is this....what is this?

Dave: You prick!

Mark: Martha, I'm just telling you how I feel!

Dave: You.... you prick! [gets up and starts to leave]

Mark: Well, I can use those words too, Martha! [following after her] Martha! No, come on! It's not your fault! I mean, you're a really great cook, but this isn't about...

[Dave hits Mark in the head with a plate and walks out. The plate breaks and a stunned Mark sits on the floor crying]

[Cut to Kevin's Apartment. He crawls across his bed and reaches for the phone.]

Kevin: Hello?

[We hear Mark cry into the phone]

Kevin: Screw you! You only call me when you break up with someone. You're on your own.

[Cut to Mark crying on a psychiatrists couch]

[Mark cries for a bit as the shrink looks on. He begins to recover]

Mark: So, what your saying is that..... my problem with relationships... I mean, if I indeed HAVE a problem... might have something to do with my mother's 500 jobs?

Woman: I think that might be worth looking into.

Mark: Hmmm...[rolls over and looks at the shrink] you know.... from your voice, I was expecting you to be ugly... but really, you're not.

[The shrink smiles a bit and Mark smiles back as the camera pans to the window and shows a lovely view of the Toronto skyline as the skit ends]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video