Transcribed from: Comedy CentralCast:
Transcribed by: email@example.com
[Two officers haul off a criminal]
- Bruce- Gavin
- Scott- Woman officer
- Kevin- Man officer
Scott: Take him away.
Bruce: Are you a crook 'cause you didn't eat your vegetables? Yello.
Scott: Yes, may I help you?
Bruce: I'd like to register a complaint.
Kevin: But you're a kid.
Bruce: Yeah, but that's a different complaint.
Bruce: Well, for example, one time this kid in my class pounded me with my own fists. My own fists. Pretty ironic, eh?
Kevin: Yeah, one time a guy shot me with my own gun.
Scott: Yeah, but you did dare him.
Bruce: Are you going to talk amongst yourselves all day, or do you want to hear my complaint?
Scott: OK, what is your complaint?
Bruce: I'd like to report one of those empty fridges that still has the door on, and a kid could crawl inside, and stop breathing, and die.
Scott: OK. Now where exactly is this fridge?
Bruce: It's in my kitchen.
Kevin: Very funny kid. Now if there's nothing else, my partner and I would like to get back to work.
Bruce: Well, I did witness something horrific and unlawful.
Scott: What did you see?
Bruce: A guy who leaks.
Kevin: A guy who leaks?
Bruce: Yeah, you might not notice at first, unless you had him under surveillance, as I do. Then you would see him leak from his arms, his elbows, and his knees.
Kevin: Why are you telling us?
Bruce: 'Cause I told a fireman and he didn't care. He said he could only care if he leaked something flammable, like hair spray or wood.
Scott: Hey, listen sport, what is going on here? Did your mother leave you alone? Are you an orphan?
Bruce: No, I have a family. A dad and a picture of my mom. You know what?
Bruce: My mom died, so my dad, to deal with the grief, bought me a hampster.
Kevin: That's nice.
Bruce: Yeah, and I named the hampster mom, and it died.
Scott: Look, little guy, I've got an idea. Let's just call your dad.
Bruce: Yeah, but what if a guy leaded on a school bus full of children who were only worth 87 cents each?
Bruce: I have read, that if you were to melt people down and sell their component parts, they'd only be worth 87 cents. That's gotta be a pretty weird store, though.
Kevin: I'm worth exactly 600 bucks a month to my ex-wife.
Scott: [laughs]Look, I've got to go back and finish this report, OK? You take care of this guy.
Bruce: You know they made a movie about that guy who leaks--Cocoon.
Kevin: Cacoon isn't about a guy who leaks. It's about aliens and lovable old people who hug rocks and go swimming.
Bruce: How do you know?
Kevin: I seen it.
Bruce: OK, fine, we can go see something else then.
Kevin: Look, I've gotta get back to work.
Scott: OK, just a second, just a minute, I think I know what's going on here. Is your name Gavin?
Scott: I knew it!
Kevin: How'd you know that?
Scott: They're booking his dad back there for scalping hockey tickets.
Kevin: Why doesn't that surprise me?
Bruce: 'Cause you see dead guys?
Scott: Look, your dad will be out in a couple of hours, why don't you scoot over there and wait?
Bruce: A couple of hours, that gives me just enough time to explain how insects work. Excuse me officer, do you have a common playing card?
Kevin: I'm working...