Gavin: Police Department

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by:
Cast: [Two officers haul off a criminal]

Scott: Take him away.

[enter Gavin]

Bruce: Are you a crook 'cause you didn't eat your vegetables? Yello.

Scott: Yes, may I help you?

Bruce: I'd like to register a complaint.

Kevin: But you're a kid.

Bruce: Yeah, but that's a different complaint.

Scott: Pardon?

Bruce: Well, for example, one time this kid in my class pounded me with my own fists. My own fists. Pretty ironic, eh?

Kevin: Yeah, one time a guy shot me with my own gun.

Scott: Yeah, but you did dare him.

Bruce: Are you going to talk amongst yourselves all day, or do you want to hear my complaint?

Scott: OK, what is your complaint?

Bruce: I'd like to report one of those empty fridges that still has the door on, and a kid could crawl inside, and stop breathing, and die.

Scott: OK. Now where exactly is this fridge?

Bruce: It's in my kitchen.

Kevin: Very funny kid. Now if there's nothing else, my partner and I would like to get back to work.

Scott: OK?

Bruce: Well, I did witness something horrific and unlawful.

Scott: What did you see?

Bruce: A guy who leaks.

Kevin: A guy who leaks?

Bruce: Yeah, you might not notice at first, unless you had him under surveillance, as I do. Then you would see him leak from his arms, his elbows, and his knees.

Kevin: Why are you telling us?

Bruce: 'Cause I told a fireman and he didn't care. He said he could only care if he leaked something flammable, like hair spray or wood.

Scott: Hey, listen sport, what is going on here? Did your mother leave you alone? Are you an orphan?

Bruce: No, I have a family. A dad and a picture of my mom. You know what?

Scott: What?

Bruce: My mom died, so my dad, to deal with the grief, bought me a hampster.

Kevin: That's nice.

Bruce: Yeah, and I named the hampster mom, and it died.

Scott: Look, little guy, I've got an idea. Let's just call your dad.

Bruce: Yeah, but what if a guy leaded on a school bus full of children who were only worth 87 cents each?

Kevin: What?

Bruce: I have read, that if you were to melt people down and sell their component parts, they'd only be worth 87 cents. That's gotta be a pretty weird store, though.

Kevin: I'm worth exactly 600 bucks a month to my ex-wife.

Scott: [laughs]Look, I've got to go back and finish this report, OK? You take care of this guy.

[exit Scott]

Bruce: You know they made a movie about that guy who leaks--Cocoon.

Kevin: Cacoon isn't about a guy who leaks. It's about aliens and lovable old people who hug rocks and go swimming.

Bruce: How do you know?

Kevin: I seen it.

Bruce: OK, fine, we can go see something else then.

Kevin: Look, I've gotta get back to work.

[re-enter Scott]

Scott: OK, just a second, just a minute, I think I know what's going on here. Is your name Gavin?

Bruce: Obviously.

Scott: I knew it!

Kevin: How'd you know that?

Scott: They're booking his dad back there for scalping hockey tickets.

Kevin: Why doesn't that surprise me?

Bruce: 'Cause you see dead guys?

Scott: Look, your dad will be out in a couple of hours, why don't you scoot over there and wait?

Bruce: A couple of hours, that gives me just enough time to explain how insects work. Excuse me officer, do you have a common playing card?

Kevin: I'm working...

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video