Fran: Waiting for Brian and Gordon

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison (

[Setting: A kitchen. Late at night. Scott is in a nightgown and curlers]

[Scott sits at a table and is holding a cup of coffee]

Scott: Well... I just received a telephone call from the local police station concerning our youngest son, Brian.... the baby. My first thought was "God, I hope he hasn't killed anyone" Cause he could you know. Cause he's got his father's temper. His father Gordon once killed a man, yeah... during the war. A German. Not in Europe, though... in Toronto.

The officer said they found Brian at 3 a.m. stumbling around Gage Park soliciting drugs. Gordon says it could have been worse considering... he could have been soliciting something else! They said they found on Brian's person ...marijuana and something called "residue". Some new kind of killer drug, I suppose.

The officer said he was completely hopped up on the stuff! That he was insolent, had a fake ID, the complete M.O. I hope they beat him! I do! Cause that's the only thing that works. In my day, they would have just taken him up behind the woodshed and that would have been it. But you can't do that no more, oh no. It's not politically correct. Besides, no one's got woodsheds anymore. That's why you see so many kids getting hit down at the mall.

When the phone rang, you know, when the telephone rang, I knew in my heart that it was about Brian. Cause you know, a mother's got a sixth sense about her kids. Not the fathers though. They barely know their own kids names. Gordon once picked up the wrong child at Sunday School. Although I have to say she DID look a lot like Brian.

Why? Why do they do it, huh? Geez, I ask you, I don't know. I'll tell you one thing. He's certainly not following my example! The strongest thing I've ever put in my body is a Shandy! I even had my hysterectomy under a local.

I should have seen it coming, yeah, I should have. I should have seen it coming when his grades plummeted. Well, they were always low but a mother knows the difference between a kid who is stupid and a kid who is high. You know what? I blame the school system, I do! Yeah, it all started to go wrong the day they took down the Queen's picture. Cause kids need guidance! That's right! Kids aren't bad! No one's born bad! Except maybe the Anti-Christ.

The problem is today.. today there's too much temptation for kids! There's too much choice. In my day there was no choice.... you got married, you had kids and you watched the CBC. There weren't any drugs in Canada yet. Sure, lots of people were drunks, but that's social.... [starts to sob a bit] Gordon's down there now... springing him!

[Scott gets up to get another cup of coffee]

Oooh.... Thank God, for instant coffee, huh? I don't know what I would do without my Maxwell House. I suppose the only thing we can do now is pray that one of those cops shows wasn't there filming his arrest. Cause I couldn't bear to see him on TV with his face all scrambled up. Well, I'd better go make them some sandwiches... they're bound to be famished when they come in.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video