The Fight Picker

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison (

Part One

[Setting: A Bar. A redneck (Scott) and another Redneck (Dave) stare at each other from across the room.]

Dave: Can I help you?

Scott: Yeah, you can help me. You know buddy? I'm about this close [holds his fingers apart] to coming over there and kicking the crap out of you!

Dave: Oh yeah?

Scott: Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Dave: Well I'm about this close [holds his fingers apart] to running away.

Scott: Oh yeah?

[Scott comes and compares how far apart their fingers are. Dave's fingers are close together. Much closer.]

Scott: You're lucky pal!!! DAMN!

[Scott goes back to his table]

Part Two

[Setting: A Bar. Scott is watching a guy (Kevin) and his girlfriend from across the room]

Scott: Hey!

Kevin: Yeah?

Scott: What's up your craw, punk?

Kevin: Pardon me?

Scott: I said what's up your craw?

Kevin: My craw? What's a craw?

Scott: You dunno what a craw is?

Kevin: No, sorry. Maybe if I knew what a craw was I could tell you what's up it?

Scott: Well a craw is a.... you use a craw when..... [holds his hands apart] it's about this... I saw one in Fran... JESUS! I hate guys with brains. I'm never getting into a fight! NEVER! NEVER! [quietly] It's not in the cards.....

Part Three

[Setting: A Bar. Scott sits by watching a fight between two other patrons and laughs as the two struggle through the bar door.]

Scott: [sobbing a bit] It's just not fair...

Mark: Hey, Buddy?

[We cut to Mark, sitting across the room.]

Mark: Maybe you've just been using the wrong lines?

Scott: I dunno think so. I mean, I've tried everything, you know.. like ah...What are you looking at Fag? What's your problem Fag? Are you a Fag, Fag? You know? All the hits.

Mark: Hmmm... well then, maybe you're just a no-good, useless puke, sitting there on your fat butt, taking up space where something useful like a garbage can might be!

Scott: Yeah, maybe you're right.....

[Mark shrugs a bit surprised and walks out. Scott sits there for a few more second...]

Scott: [suddenly getting it] HEY!!! [Scott jumps and walks out the door] HEY!!

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video