Bruce: Fabio World

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by:
[accordian player walking around the set, playing accordian]

Bruce: Fabio was on my flight that day. Of course it was a flight to L.A. "Fabio's here, Fabio's here-my god it's Fabio!"...and those were the guys. Everyone, everyone, everyone knew who he was. And I thought to myself, huh! It's a Fabio world.

[picture of Fabio shown next to Bruce]

It's a big strong jawed, blond hair blowin' in the wind, rose for the lady, "are you two sisters?", Fabio world.

"Fabio's on board, he's eating a small package of salted peanuts...I wish he would eat me!"...and those were the guys. It is a Fabio world, but you know what? It's also a Brucio world.

[picture of Bruce is shown, then Bruce stands up and starts dancing]

I am Brucio! I fall asleep with the tv on, I hate reggae music, I am Brucio! I eat spaghetti for breakfast, I call my mom collect, she doesn't care, she knows I'm Brucio! I get drunk and cynical, twice a year I get so drunk I piss the bed! But I don't care because I am Brucio.

As we deplane...which is a fancy word for "get off the plane now," there was Fabio. I couldn't believe he was still on board. I thought that somehow he would have got there ahead of us. He was with a man with a sign that said "Fabio". I went with a man that had the sign that said "Taxi". And as we were picking up our luggage, our eyes locked, and he gave me a look as if to say: "I am Fabio. I stand before you strong, but inside, I am Fabio, merchant of self-loathing. I will be discarded one day, Bruce, in the bin with Rico Suave and...and the good looking guy from CHiPs. Everytime I kiss a quivering girl's hand i ask myself, 'Fabio? Is this your last one?' But you are Brucio and always shall be!'"

[closes showing pictures of Brucio and Fabio]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video