Evan: Stereo Salesman

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison (herogreenlantern@hotmail.com)

[Setting: A Stereo Store: Sound Factory. We see Bruce talking to an old man who is eating lunch at the sales counter.]

Bruce: Don't pout, Murray. I can't believe you're doing this to me again, Murray. You're not paying for your half of the lunch. I went out on my lunch hour.. yes I did.... I bought the kind of sandwiches you like.... the kind of pastries you tend to dig... and..... No, no.....

[Kevin enters and walks around, looking. An electronic voice sings "Sound Factory."]

Bruce: A customer....

[Bruce slyly walks over to Kevin.]

Bruce: Can I help you?

Kevin: No thanks. I'm just looking.

Bruce: Great. And I'm just looking at you look. [chuckles as he moves around to Kevin's other side.]

Bruce: Did you notice my name tag at all?

Kevin: Yeah.

Bruce: I guess you'll start using my name soon....

Kevin: Okay... Evan

Bruce: Should I call you Evan, or do you have a different name?

Kevin: My name is Don.

Bruce: Really? I had a friend named Don once. I saved his life. [Bruce puts his arm around Kevin.]

Kevin: [confused] Thank you?

Bruce: Don't mention it. Don, let's break out of the traditional salesman/customer roles and have a little fun, eh?

Kevin: Um-hmm. [smiles]

Bruce: Okay, enough fun. Let's get down to business. What kind of expensive stereo unit am I going to sell you today?

Kevin: Well, what can you tell me about this one right here. [points at on-sale stereo]

Bruce: [sighing] It's a bottom-of-the-line unit. It doesn't know what it's doing.

Kevin: Well, it might be fine for what I want.

Bruce: Put your arm around it.

[Kevin does so.]

Bruce: No, you don't make a good couple.

Kevin:Well, it IS the right kind of price I'm looking for.

Bruce: Are you on Death Row?

Kevin: No.

Bruce: Then you don't get the discount.

Kevin: Listen, Evan.. I think I'm going to look around...

Bruce: [stopping Kevin] I was just thinking... [he moves his lips as if speaking, but no sound comes out.]

Kevin: What was that?

Bruce: You're right... we do take sounds for granted. Listen, let's take this pause to introduce you to some more advanced sound units... units that aren't afraid of Sound... units that aren't afraid TO sound. Right this way.

[Bruce leads Kevin around a big system in the middle of the floor and quickly circles around behind Kevin.]

Bruce: Hey! Why don't you buy this one, right here? [motions to the big one.]

Kevin: Well, it's a bit expensive.

Bruce: Well, one of the features of this sound unit is that you can pay it off in one easy installment, the whole thing, right now.

Kevin: Yeah. Do you have any demos? Anything slightly used?

Bruce: When you go to a restaurant, do you order slightly used food?

Kevin: No, I don't

Bruce: No, you don't.

Kevin: I think I'll go look at some other stores

Bruce: Great, I'll come with you! [Bruce starts following Kevin and looks at the old man] Mur, watch the food while I go ...

Kevin: [exasperated] All right! All right! All right! What have you got?!?!

Bruce: I find your curiosity for Sound presently child-like. [Bruce turns to the old man.] Hey, Mur, I was just thinking that some people can't enjoy sounds because they're deaf. And I guess that leaves a bigger responsibility to those of us who can hear to the sounds... to the sounds.. to the... Sounds.

[Bruce picks up a remote and clicks it several times. Each time we hear a new sound.]

Bruce: The wind. A car horn. A middle aged couple fighting. A hawk.

[The old man starts swinging a broom around overhead as we hear the hawk noises.]

Bruce: No, Murray. It's not a real hawk. Just life-like hawk sound.

[Murray glares at Bruce and goes to the back.]

Kevin: It does sound pretty good though...

Bruce: A man who knows what he's hearing....

Kevin: You know, I think I might be interested

Bruce: Think, Don? Don, I have thoughts. Thoughts of Sounds. Sounds that have lightly kissed my eardrums. The silence of space that cries for the energy of a Johnny Winter guitar solo. Or even the soft murmur that comes off the nose of a sleeping puppy-dog, but must settle for silence For Silence.....No Sounds! No Sounds! Is that you Don.... or are you ready?

Kevin: [possessed] Show me your best, Evan!!!

Bruce: Then it is time, for the Sound Room.

[As Bruce says this we hear heavy metal/industrial music in the background.]

Bruce: This is where you and I must part company.

[We see the flash of white and red strobe lights as Bruce pushes a transfixed Kevin towards the Sound Room.]

Bruce: I sell..... Sounds.

[We see a crash of lightening and suddenly we are in a room with a nice stereo with huge speakers. Standing between the speakers is Mark, dressed in his "Satan The Metalhead" costume.]

Mark: Hello. Have you seen the new Mitsumbashi 589? Oh, perhaps you'd be more interest in some floor-to-ceiling speakers Kantek? Course you would.. Isn't everybody into sound? A hint of sound? [laughs evily.]

[As he laughs, we notice somebody.. some poor soul is trying, face first to push free of the grey cloth the put on the front of speakers.. what do they call that stuff?]

Bruce: Thanks a bunch, Satan!

[Bruce raises a fist as the lightning folds around him again.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video