Encylopedia Salesman

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison (herogreenlantern@hotmail.com)
Cast: [Setting: A Sururban House]

[Bruce sits in a leather armchair, watching Proffesional Bowling.]

[We cut to the TV and see a bowler prepare to launch the ball. As they focus on the bowler each time, Bruce says "What?" and laughs as the pins get knocked down.]

Bruce: What? [laughs]

[Again, same thing described above.]

Bruce: What the? [laughs]

[The doorbell rings. Bruce laughs again and pushes mute on the TV and goes to the door.]

[Scott stands in the door. He wears a suit and carries a briefcase.]

Scott: Good afternoon, sir.

Bruce: Um-hmm?

Scott: I'd like to talk to you about something that I think no home should be without.

Bruce: Front door? Already have one. Thank you.

[Bruce tries to close the door, but Scott blocks it.]

Scott: No. No, sir. [laughs] It's not a front door. Actually, it's encylopedias. May I come in?

Bruce: Whatever makes you happy.

Scott: Thank you. [steps inside] My name's Robert. And you are?

Bruce: You lost me.

Scott: What's your name?

Bruce: Once a guy named Robert wanted to know my name...

Scott: OH-kay. Well, first of all, sir, I'm going to need your full, undivided attention.

[Scott starts to unpack his stuff on the TV.]

Bruce: Sure, as long as I can also watch TV at the same time.

[Bruce sits down and starts watching the bowling again.]

Scott: Oh, um? Can I turn off the TV?

Bruce: I dunno. Can you?

[Scott turns off the TV. Bruce suddenly looks confused.]

Bruce: Wha?

Scott: Okay, let me start off by saying that encylcopedias are like a [makes the quote gesture] "Window to the world".

Bruce: Obviously.

Scott: And through this window we can access....

Bruce: Uh... you lost me.

Scott: Really? OH-kay. [shrugs] Okay. Encylopedia's are a wealth of information, right at your fingertips.....

Bruce: Listen, I'm going to tell you something and I don't want you to take it personally. But you're not a very good encylopedia salesman, are you?

Scott: But I haven't even done my pitch yet.

Bruce: Well, what does that tell you? Here, let me help you out....

Scott: Okay.

Bruce: Encylopedia's are...

Scott: Enyclopedia's are....

Bruce: You lost me.

Scott: Encylopedia's are....an essential tool for any home.

Bruce: Okay. Now this tool? Is it called something? Does it have a name?

Scott: Yes. It's called an encyclopedia.

Bruce: NOW we're cooking!

Scott: Okay. If you need information on any topic...

Bruce: Hold it! Is this just a book on elephants? Cause I already have one of those.

Scott: No. It's not just on elephants. It's on everything.

Bruce: Everything, great! So if a guy borrowed my shovel and then moved away, I could find out where he lives?

Scott: No. No.

Bruce: Then what the hell good is it to me?

Scott: Well, it's a collection of books.

Bruce: Obviously.

Scott: It's a collection of books...

Bruce: Uh.. you've lost me.

Scott: [angrily] It's a COLLECTION of books!

Bruce: [yawns and sits down in the chair, turning the TV on as he does.]

Scott: Full of information for the inquisitive mind.

Bruce: [laughs at the TV] Does it have this stuff on there?

Scott: Actually, as a matter of fact it does. [pulls a book out of his suitcase and brings it over to Bruce] Let me see.. here it is, sir. B. Bowling : a game in which two players or teams compete by rolling balls at standing pins.

Bruce: I know what bowling is. [moves to TV and looks at screen closely] What the hell are these guys doing?

Scott: Bowling?

Bruce: Duh. [stands and puts arm around Scott] Listen, I'm going to tell you something and I don't want you to take it personally. But instead of selling encylopedias you should be selling a collection of books catagorized from A to Z, for easy reference, full of educational information or "food for thought" for curious minds.

Scott: I give up.

Bruce: [pats him on back] That's the spirit!

Scott: I give up. I heard that you were an easy sell, but I don't buy it. I'd like to know how Kenny sold you that vaccum.

[Quick flashback to the past. Dave is holding a vaccum cleaner and just looks at Bruce.]

Dave: Buy this vaccum.

Bruce: Okay.

[Cut back to present.]

Bruce: So, if you find that guy who took my shovel, would you put it in your book?

Scott: Good day, sir. [exits]

Bruce: There he goes.

[Bruce returns to looking at the TV and laughing at it.]


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video