Kathie/Cathy: Sex With The Dry-Cleaner

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison (herogreenlantern@hotmail.com)

[Setting: A Dry Cleaner]

[Bruce enters, carrying some wadded up clothes. He walks to a counter where Mark stands, looking and sounding like the father of his Cab driver character. You know, the one who was the narrator of Brain Candy? Anyway...]

Bruce: [smiling nervously] Hi.

Mark: Can I haaalp you?

Bruce: Sure hope so. [starts giggling]

Mark: Can I haaalp you?

Bruce: Yes. Believe it or not, this is a shirt, a skirt and a scarf. I was watching a sad show on 'A Current Affair', I went into a tizzy and accidentally put in the freezer.

Mark: [looks at the frozen wad] Fry-day.

Bruce: Can I have it right away, please?

Mark: Fry-day.

Bruce: I understand. But may I have it in an hour, please?

Mark: Fry-day.

Bruce: [points at sign on the wall] But the sign says One-Hour Dry Cleaning.

Mark: [looking at sign] It's an old sign.

Bruce: [giggles a bit] Are you sure there's nothing I can do to get you to do this for me?

Mark: [smiles a bit] Well, der is one thing I think you can do. [chuckles]

[We see a shot from Mark's vantage point as he check's out Bruce's body.]

Bruce: [innocently] What?

Mark: [raising eyebrows] Heh? Heh? [laughs a bit more]

[Bruce raises a hand to his mouth astonished, finally getting it.]

Bruce: I don't know.. I... I.....

[Mark moves past Bruce and looks out the window. He glances around furtively and hangs a sign that reads "Back in 10 Minutes" on the door. He glances back at Bruce, starts coughing, and turns the sign around to read "Back in 5 minutes."]

Mark: [motioning to the back] Come on... it will be more private back here.

[Bruce follows Mark through a swinging door to the back room. As the door swings back, after they entered, we jump to a shot of Bruce leaving the room, hair messed up, walking strangely and carrying his dry cleaning as steam billows behind him from the back room.]

[We then cut to the breakroom at A.T. & Love where Bruce sits at a table with Kevin and Mark.]

Kevin: You didn't!

Bruce: I did!

Mark2: Oh my god! I can't believe that you slept with your dry cleaner just so he'd do your stuff quicker!

Scott: Oh, come on! Grow up! I mean, we've all had sex for bad reasons.

Kevin: Yeah. I once had sex with an ugly guy.

Scott: Oh yeah. I've done that.

Mark2: I once had sex with a boring guy.

Scott: Yeah. I've done that.

Bruce: Remember Cat? You said you once did it for a roll of toilet paper?

Scott: Yeah. Oh, but that was in college.

Bruce: Ever done it with a guy, just so he'd leave your house?

All: Yeah [laughs]

Mark2: You know, one time that one winter, my pipes froze and I did it with all these guys just for the hot showers.

[All giggle at this.]

Kevin: I had a friend who had had sex, just to get married.

Bruce: Thank you very much. Your sharing and caring as made me feel better.

Kevin: But Kat, tell me... how was the.... you know?

Bruce: The dry cleaning?

All: NO!

Kevin: The food substitute. The SEX?

Mark2: Yeah, yeah.

Bruce: [blushing] Well, actually it was quite romantic.

Kevin: Oh, I knew it... I knew it!

[We cut back to the Dry Cleaner.]

[We come back where we left off. Bruce is still standing there shaken. Mark enters from the back wearing a red dressing gown, smoking a cigar, and carrying a bottle of champagne with two glasses.]

Mark: [pouring the champagne and raising his glass] To a great five minutes of physical beauty ...and to a mutually enjoyable business arrangement.

[They clink glasses and sip.]

Bruce:[giggling] The bubbles make my nose tickle.

Mark: Yeah, they go up your nose. [chuckles]

Bruce: I've have to go. [Bruce exits hurriedly, muttering a 'thank you.']

Mark: [taking a drag on the cigar] Farewell my little Size 9.

[Cut back to the break room.]

All: Wow!

Kevin: Sounds fantastic!

Bruce: I don't know. I still feel cheap about it.

Scott: Oh, come on Kathie! One-night-stands are perfectly okay. As long as you don't do it more than once a week or on International Woman's Day.

Mark2: Still, I .. I can't help but noticing Kathie, that lately your clothes have been quite fresh and clean lately. Are you still seeing him?

All: Kathie?

Bruce: Yes!

All: Oh my God, I don't believe it [etc.]

Bruce: And to tell a secret, each time we get together and..... you know....

Mark2: Hump?

Scott: Pump?

Kevin: Make love?

Bruce: Yes! Each time we make love, he has me wear a different piece of clothing that's in his shop. Like the first time, I wore a really sexy negligee that wasn't going to be picked up until six! And last night, he asked me to wear something special!

All: What? What?!?!

[Cut back to the dry cleaners.]

Bruce: [smiling] Hi.

Mark: [smiling also] Hi. [something unintelligible]

Bruce: Yes.

Mark: I think it's time that you tried this on.

[Mark pulls a wedding dress from behind the counter.]

Bruce: Oh my God!

[Mark begins to hum The Wedding March.]

Bruce: [shaking] I don't know! I don't know! I don't know!

[Cut back to the break room.]

Scott: So what did you say, Kathie?

Bruce: No.

Kevin: Really? I would have married him

Bruce: Oh, he didn't want me to marry him. He just wanted me to have sex in his dead wife's wedding dress.

All: Oooooooooooooooh.

Scott: [nonchalant] Well... um.... I've done that.

All: What?!

[The other raises a protest and ask for details as Scott gets up and refuses to tell the tale.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video