Transcribed from: Comedy CentralCast:
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison (herogreenlantern@hotmail.com)
- Bruce- Kathie
- Scott- Cathy
- Kevin- Kim
- Mark- Dry Cleaner
- Mark2- Tanya
[Setting: A Dry Cleaner]
[Bruce enters, carrying some wadded up clothes. He walks to a counter where Mark stands, looking and sounding like the father of his Cab driver character. You know, the one who was the narrator of Brain Candy? Anyway...]
Bruce: [smiling nervously] Hi.
Mark: Can I haaalp you?
Bruce: Sure hope so. [starts giggling]
Mark: Can I haaalp you?
Bruce: Yes. Believe it or not, this is a shirt, a skirt and a scarf. I was watching a sad show on 'A Current Affair', I went into a tizzy and accidentally put in the freezer.
Mark: [looks at the frozen wad] Fry-day.
Bruce: Can I have it right away, please?
Mark: Fry-day.
Bruce: I understand. But may I have it in an hour, please?
Mark: Fry-day.
Bruce: [points at sign on the wall] But the sign says One-Hour Dry Cleaning.
Mark: [looking at sign] It's an old sign.
Bruce: [giggles a bit] Are you sure there's nothing I can do to get you to do this for me?
Mark: [smiles a bit] Well, der is one thing I think you can do. [chuckles]
[We see a shot from Mark's vantage point as he check's out Bruce's body.]
Bruce: [innocently] What?
Mark: [raising eyebrows] Heh? Heh? [laughs a bit more]
[Bruce raises a hand to his mouth astonished, finally getting it.]
Bruce: I don't know.. I... I.....
[Mark moves past Bruce and looks out the window. He glances around furtively and hangs a sign that reads "Back in 10 Minutes" on the door. He glances back at Bruce, starts coughing, and turns the sign around to read "Back in 5 minutes."]
Mark: [motioning to the back] Come on... it will be more private back here.
[Bruce follows Mark through a swinging door to the back room. As the door swings back, after they entered, we jump to a shot of Bruce leaving the room, hair messed up, walking strangely and carrying his dry cleaning as steam billows behind him from the back room.]
[We then cut to the breakroom at A.T. & Love where Bruce sits at a table with Kevin and Mark.]
Kevin: You didn't!
Bruce: I did!
Mark2: Oh my god! I can't believe that you slept with your dry cleaner just so he'd do your stuff quicker!
Scott: Oh, come on! Grow up! I mean, we've all had sex for bad reasons.
Kevin: Yeah. I once had sex with an ugly guy.
Scott: Oh yeah. I've done that.
Mark2: I once had sex with a boring guy.
Scott: Yeah. I've done that.
Bruce: Remember Cat? You said you once did it for a roll of toilet paper?
Scott: Yeah. Oh, but that was in college.
Bruce: Ever done it with a guy, just so he'd leave your house?
All: Yeah [laughs]
Mark2: You know, one time that one winter, my pipes froze and I did it with all these guys just for the hot showers.
[All giggle at this.]
Kevin: I had a friend who had had sex, just to get married.
Bruce: Thank you very much. Your sharing and caring as made me feel better.
Kevin: But Kat, tell me... how was the.... you know?
Bruce: The dry cleaning?
All: NO!
Kevin: The food substitute. The SEX?
Mark2: Yeah, yeah.
Bruce: [blushing] Well, actually it was quite romantic.
Kevin: Oh, I knew it... I knew it!
[We cut back to the Dry Cleaner.]
[We come back where we left off. Bruce is still standing there shaken. Mark enters from the back wearing a red dressing gown, smoking a cigar, and carrying a bottle of champagne with two glasses.]
Mark: [pouring the champagne and raising his glass] To a great five minutes of physical beauty ...and to a mutually enjoyable business arrangement.
[They clink glasses and sip.]
Bruce:[giggling] The bubbles make my nose tickle.
Mark: Yeah, they go up your nose. [chuckles]
Bruce: I've have to go. [Bruce exits hurriedly, muttering a 'thank you.']
Mark: [taking a drag on the cigar] Farewell my little Size 9.
[Cut back to the break room.]
All: Wow!
Kevin: Sounds fantastic!
Bruce: I don't know. I still feel cheap about it.
Scott: Oh, come on Kathie! One-night-stands are perfectly okay. As long as you don't do it more than once a week or on International Woman's Day.
Mark2: Still, I .. I can't help but noticing Kathie, that lately your clothes have been quite fresh and clean lately. Are you still seeing him?
All: Kathie?
Bruce: Yes!
All: Oh my God, I don't believe it [etc.]
Bruce: And to tell a secret, each time we get together and..... you know....
Mark2: Hump?
Scott: Pump?
Kevin: Make love?
Bruce: Yes! Each time we make love, he has me wear a different piece of clothing that's in his shop. Like the first time, I wore a really sexy negligee that wasn't going to be picked up until six! And last night, he asked me to wear something special!
All: What? What?!?!
[Cut back to the dry cleaners.]
Bruce: [smiling] Hi.
Mark: [smiling also] Hi. [something unintelligible]
Bruce: Yes.
Mark: I think it's time that you tried this on.
[Mark pulls a wedding dress from behind the counter.]
Bruce: Oh my God!
[Mark begins to hum The Wedding March.]
Bruce: [shaking] I don't know! I don't know! I don't know!
[Cut back to the break room.]
Scott: So what did you say, Kathie?
Bruce: No.
Kevin: Really? I would have married him
Bruce: Oh, he didn't want me to marry him. He just wanted me to have sex in his dead wife's wedding dress.
All: Oooooooooooooooh.
Scott: [nonchalant] Well... um.... I've done that.
All: What?!
[The other raises a protest and ask for details as Scott gets up and refuses to tell the tale.]