Scott: Dream

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by:
Scott: The other night I had a dream. That we made the Kids In The Hall Show in L.A. instead of Toronto. We were all rehearsing at our huge, beautiful, state of the art studio in century city. Mark and Lorne Michaels were arguing over a catch phrase for the chicken lady. Mark thought that the phrase should be: "I would really love to have an egg immediately". But Lorne said that that was too many words for a t-shirt, so he suggested, "Gotta get laid". Mark loved it, and immediatley told his lawyer to write it up.

I was ah, meanwhile in the corner studying my lines for the next scene. Or maybe I was doing lines. Anyways, I was having a very difficult time remembering my next line. Or remembering if I had just done one. My assistant kept saying-"You've just done one", and I kept saying-"No, I don't think that's the next line", and then I would do another line.

And then, Bruce's personal trainer, Body By Jake, who was also our director, came bursting in, flushed with endorphins from a morning workout to announce that Cher did not have a seat for the studio taping. Well. The entire day's rehearsal was canceled, and Bruce scurried off to call a press conference.

Just at that moment, Kevin and Dave came in. They had been missing for three days. Apparently, they had been making a commercial in Hawaii. Simon and Hecubus for Nissan.

The next thing I remember, the five of us were at the Anaheim pond, playing a benefit hockey game against the Mighty Ducks. The stands were filled with celebrities and their trainers, cheering and doing lines. Everybody was wearing a red ribbon except me and Don Cherry. Now, the game was taking an awful long time to conclude, so I thought I would hurry things up by scoring on my own goal, thereby winning the game for the Mighty Ducks. Then, one of the Mighty Ducks picked me up on his shoulders and carried me triumphantly about the rink, while all the other celebrities cheered. Then, the Mighty Duck took of his helmet, and it was Mike Myers. He said "Buttah", I said "Vaclemped", and we laughed our heads off!

The next thing I remember, I was accepting an oscar, and the only person I thanked was Tom Hanks. And when I got home, there was an angry message on my answering machine from my coke dealer, chastizing me for not acknowledging him. I didn't care. I cut the phone lines, did a line, popped a zanex and fell asleep.

And when I woke up the next morning, I was still in Toronto, and I realized that it was all a drug induced dream. And I felt sad. So I did another line. And I felt sad. So I did another line!

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video