Documentary

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison
Cast- [Setting: An office. Kevin sits at a desk, working.]

[Dave enters the office, followed by a man holding a video camera. Kevin looks up and seems a bit surprised.]

Kevin: Ben? What can I do for you?

Dave: Roger, I know we haven't spoken to each other in some time, but there's a favor I'd like to ask of you.

Kevin: Sure. Of course. I told you if there was anything I could ever do to help...

Dave: That's very kind of you, Roger. Now this is my friend and neighbor, Larry. [motions to man with camera].

Kevin: [nods] Pleased to meet you, Larry.

Dave: Now, Roger. I'm making a document of... my life. A chronicle of one man's pain. I am trying to recreate some of the moments that have made me what I am today.

Kevin: Yes?

Dave: I'd like to recreate the moment that... um... you fired me, Roger.

Kevin: [stammering] Ben, are you sure this is what you want?

Dave: This is very important to me, Roger.

Kevin: I don't even remember that was months ago and...

[Dave throws a script down on the desk. Kevin picks it up and flips through it.]

Kevin: I see... a script. Well... allright... I assume I am 'Boss' and you are 'Everyman'?

Dave: Yes. Ready? [looks at Larry] Allright. And... ACTION!

[During this next bit, as we cut between Kevin and Dave, everytime Kevin says a line, we see him in black and white, through the view of the camera.]

Dave: Yes sir, you wanted to see me?

Kevin: Yes. Come in, have a seat.

Dave: I see that something is troubling you.

Kevin: This hurts me... and it chaffs me...

Dave: I understand...

Kevin: [suddenly, as he reads down the script] I didn't say this!

Dave: CUT! [looks at Kevin] Cut! I'm sorry. I thought you said you didn't remember?

Kevin: I remember I didn't say any of this!

Dave: Okay, I didn't want to have to tell you this, but... um... HBO has expressed interest in my story. So...

Kevin: Is it money that you need?

Dave: It's not about money! It's about one man's metamorphosis! It's about a man's death and rebirth! Allright?

Kevin: Fine... allright... I'll say it. This isn't about...

Dave: Wait for it! [turns to Larry and nods] And... ACTION!

Kevin: This isn't about you and me. I think that given enough time you could revitalize this tired organization and lead us all boldly into a new era.

Dave: I didn't know you felt that way. In fact, there were even times when I felt ignored.

Kevin: Never ignored, never! But there are men... powerful men who have watched you with jealous, fearful eyes... Jesus!

[Dave glares at Kevin, who sighs and continues.]

Kevin: They would have me cast you into the wilderness; a lonely life, wandering a dark world.

Dave: And you would protect me? At the risk of your own livelihood? [puts a hand on Kevin's shoulder] You are a good and noble friend, but I cannot allow you to make this sacrifice. No, it is better that I go now. Do not try to stop me... farewell. [Dave stands and looks to the camera] And... CUT! Thank you, Roger. That was wonderful.

Kevin: [standing] You know, Ben? I don't remember verbatim what was said, but I do remember that you called me a pushead. And I also have a vague recollection of having to call security because you were trying to induce yourself to vomit on my desk.

Dave: Well... I guess we all view the past through our own personal prisms.

Kevin: Get out of my office!

Dave: I'd love to Roger, but I'm afraid I have to go.

[Dave and Larry exit. Kevin reaches for the phone and hits a button on it.]

Kevin: Hazel? Could you please send Winters in here?

[Kevin sighs as Mark, enters.]

Kevin: Winters, have a seat.

[Mark sits.]

Kevin: This is the hardest part of the job...

[Suddenly inspired, Kevin looks at the script, still on his desk, and reads from it.]

Kevin: But there are men... powerful men who have watched you with jealous, fearful eyes.

Mark: [smiling] I KNEW it!

Kevin: This hurts me, and chaffs me...


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video