Transcribed from: Comedy CentralCast:
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison (email@example.com)
- Mark- Punk with shaggy hair and a green shirt
- Bruce- Punk with bowl-cut and glasses
- Kevin- Punk with long black hair and a sport coat
[Setting: A House. It is in rather disgusting shape, dirty walls, dirty furniture.]
[Close up on Bruce and Mark singing.]
Splitting up our Triscuit!
[They move to a table where Kevin sits.]
Kevin: Wow! Our hunger sure hasn't hurt your creativity.
Mark: I'll say!
[They eat their Triscuit thirds.]
Bruce: I hate to be a downer guys, but I'm still hungry.
Mark: What are you talking about? We just split a Triscuit!
Kevin: Hey! We may have just eaten a Triscuit that we found in a dumpster, but at least we have our dignity!
[Mark and Kevin hi-five.]
Bruce: Hey, did anybody check under the fridge?
[All rush to the fridge. Mark and Bruce lift it while Kevin looks under it.]
Kevin: No. Nothing.... wait.. I got something!
[Kevin emerges with something on his finger. The others gather around.]
Bruce: Is it food?
Kevin: I don't know.
[Kevin tastes it and gets a sick look on his face.]
Kevin: It's not food.
Mark: Man, maybe we should just like, join the establishment and.. get good jobs!
Kevin: Establishment won't give us jobs, man.
Mark: Why? Cause we lack ambition and tend to sleep in?
Kevin: Nah. Because we have dignity! Establishment don't hire people with dignity, man.
[Kevin and Mark high-five again as Bruce calls from across the room.]
Bruce: Hey guys, over here!
Mark: You find food?
Bruce: Just maybe...
[Bruce crouches next to a TV. The others move over.]
Bruce: There's a food-like coating covering the television set!
Mark: Well, let's see!
Kevin: Hey, turn on the TV! Warm up the food!
[Mark turns the TV on. It shows an ad for a $6.99 steak dinner.]
Mark: Wow, I sure hope that scum tastes like that steak!
[Bruce gathers some of the scum up on a popsicle stick and eats it.]
Kevin: Well, is it food?
Bruce: It's not food.
Mark: Ah, man!
Kevin: Guys, we may not have money, jobs, food in our bellies or pretty fillings in our teeth.... but at least we have our dignity!
Bruce: [nods silently] Steak with dignity would be good, though
Kevin: Hey. Don't get ahead of yourself there. [slaps Bruce's shoulder]
Mark: I know!!! Let's boil the broom! [crazed] Let's boil the broom! Let's boil the broom again!
Bruce: No! We've got to keep this place clean!
Kevin: And our dignity.
Mark: I don't care about our dignity and I don't care about keeping this place clean. Let's boil the broom again!
[Bruce start to giggle]
Mark: What's so funny?
[Bruce opens his mouth to reveal... a carrot.]
Kevin: Hey, you've been holding out on us!
Bruce: I was saving it for a time just like this.
[They all rush to the table as Bruce spits out the carrot. Kevin begins cutting it up.]
Mark: I'm so excited I can hardly eat!
Kevin: Guys, there's plenty enough for everyone.
[Kevin hands the carrot thirds and they wolf them down, mmmmming the whole way.]
Bruce: That hit the spot!
Kevin: I am full!
Mark: I'm stuffed.
[There is a brief pause.]
Kevin: I'm still hungry.
Mark: I'm starved.
Bruce: I'm starved.
Kevin: Guys, we may have just eaten a carrot that's been is his mouth for who knows how long.....
Bruce: And we're not really captains of industry...
Mark: Yeah, and we may on occasion sell out blood to buy day-old doughnuts....
Kevin: But we still have our dignity!
Mark: Yeah..... and our educations.
[They all turn to where they have their B.A.'s framed on the wall.]
Bruce: I knew they'd be good for something!
Mark: Let's boil 'em! Let's boil 'em!
Kevin: You don't boil B.A.'s. You bake ‘em!
[Mark takes the B.A.'s off the wall and breaks the glass frames over his knee and then hands them to Kevin, who tosses them in the oven while they all sing.]
Heating up our B.A's!