Man of Destiny

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison (
Cast- [Setting: A street]

[Dave is walking along the street in a suit and fedora, carrying a briefcase. He doesn't look much unlike a detective in a Bogart movie and the jazz music in the background doesn't do much to dispel that idea.]

Dave (V.O.): The day it happened was like any other, I suppose. I was on my way to work when it hit me.

[Cut to close up of Dave]

Dave: [whispering] The President of the United States is a lying vicious bastard.

Dave (V.O.): And he had to die.

[Dave drops his briefcase, which falls open, sending papers flying into the wind.]

[Dave does a running jump over the camera, during which we hear a cymbals crash.]

[Cut to Dave, pushing his way through a line of people in a train station, including a pair of nuns. He is holding a rifle, wrapped in brown paper.]

Dave (V.O.): I couldn't believe it had taken me this long to realize what I had to do. What my mission had to be.

[Dave finally reaches the front of the line. He slams the rifle down on the desk and we can see that the butt of the gun is exposed through a rip in the paper. We pan up to see that Dave is wearing an obviously fake mustache.]

Dave: One ticket to Washington, please. I have a date with destiny.

[Dave turns around and then his eyes widen with astonishment.]

Dave (V.O.): And that's when I saw her.

[Appropriate Sax Music starts to play in the background as we see a very attractive, in a Lauren Becall way, woman sitting on a bench. We zoom in on her as Dave moves to her, ripping his mustache off in route.]

Dave (V.O.): All these years, the ideal woman had been just a dream. And yet, there she was. Alive… more than alive. Thrust into my world and recreating it with every breath she took. For the first time in my lonely life… I dared to hope.

[A janitor pushing a floor buffer slowly walks between Dave and his dream woman.]

Dave (V.O.): Hey! That looks like fun!

[The music switches to a fast, swing-style, drum solo as Dave spins the buffer around, the janitor looking on as Dave gets tangled up in the buffer's cord.]

Dave (V.O.): Man and machine, working in harmony. Pride in achievement. Physical labor it's own... hey!

[Dave abandons the buffer and starts running across the train station. Moving past a staircase, he runs outside and pounces on a man leaving the station. The two struggle as Dave's interior monologue continues.]

Dave (V.O.): Peter had some nerve showing his face in this town. Why, my poor sister still cries herself to sleep every night.

[The two men are separated. The other man is held back as Dave dusts himself off, fixes his hat, and walks off.]

Dave (V.O.): Having made my point, I was quite willing to concede that I too had made a mistake. But in fairness to me, he sure looked like Peter.

[Dave starts to walk to a cab.]

Dave (V.O.): I was exhausted. What a day! At that point, I wanted nothing more than to just go home, have a hot bath and get a good night's sleep.

Dave: Taxi?

Cabbie: [looks up and puts down his pipe] Where to, Mister?

[We make a rather sudden cut to... Morocco. Complete with belly dancers. Dave sits smoking from a water pipe thoughtfully while barely noticing the barely clad, nubile woman trying to get his attention]

Dave (V.O.): Morocco: Not just a place, but a state of mind. Not just somewhere to be, but a way of being. Morocco is me. And I am Morocco. I felt I was finally ready to settle down in this land where the roots of humanity ran as deep as...

[Cut to: The Ocean]

[We see Dave, wading out of the ocean and onto a beach, still in his hat and suit, carrying a life preserver.]

Dave (V.O.): I was perfectly within my rights to sink that boat. Dolphins are not just fish! My God, that's like saying dogs are just... well, whatever it is dogs are! I make a note to see my doctor. I've been feeling inexplicably tired lately.

[As he thinks this, Dave collapses on the beach, on his back.]

Dave (V.O.): Maybe I just need to get away... Can't help feeling there was something I was supposed to do today. Oh well... it will come to me.

[Dave lowers his hat brim over his face as he goes to sleep.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video