God Is Dead

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison (herogreenlantern@hotmail.com)

[Scene: A room that looks like a giant shoe box made to look like a dollhouse or a diorama (remember those from elementary school?) This whole skit is shot in black and white and has the tone of a fifties school film both in music and acting style.]

[The philosophers sit and, and drink and stroke their beards until Bruce turns to Mark.]

Bruce: God is dead.

Announcer V.O.: Yes. "God is dead", cried Nietzsche. And the cry has been heard for years. But for each philosopher, there has been a cynic. [Scott and Kevin pop out of nowhere]

Kevin: No way!

Scott: Prove it!

Announcer V.O.: And that is where the argument has stalemated... until now!

[We see a man holding a small body. Two other men stand in the back.]

Man: God IS dead. And here is the body to prove it.

[The cynics appear, their hair messed]

Kevin: You've just blown my mind!

Scott: Our minds have been blown!

[We see the philosophers, looking very smug]

[A doctor examines the body and nods sadly at the camera.]

Announcer V.O.: The world is shocked. First to find out God did in fact exist and second to find out he was now dead.

[We see a montage of crowd scenes, and various people looking stunned, ending with a shot of a sad priest (Dave)]

Dave: I've got some good news and some bad news.

[Dave motions to the small coffin he stands next to.]

Announcer V.O.: But the world was most shocked to find out how small God was.

[We see several images of wind pushing around trees, lightning storms and a flower blooming in sped-up time during the next speech and finally the man holding the small body again.]

Announcer V.O.: Imagine winds.... storms... the miracle of life. All from this tiny God with such tiny hands and feet.

Man: He's really light, too.

[We see Dave hold up and turn a small jacket. It has GOD spelled out on the back.]

Announcer V.O.: Yes, God did exist. He died. He was very small. Mystery solved!

[We see a mother and her daughter holding candles and crying.]

Announcer V.O.: The world has a brief period of mourning.

[Cut to pictures of trucks going down the highway.]

Announcer V.O.: And then it's business as usual, on the streets and highways that God built.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video