Scott Talks With David, the Angel

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison (herogreenlantern@hotmail.com)
Cast: [Setting: We first see a multi-colored poster, for "AIDS Aid". We cut to a stage. Scott is on it, holding a piece of paper and reading from it.]

SUBMITTER'S NOTE: I'm not sure of the spellings so I apologize to the spirits of those mentioned and their loved ones.

Scott: David Farsi. Stephen Jenkins. Byron Tranter. Jason Plant. Christine Cringle. David Tanner. Peter Popolis. Pharaoh. Antonio Chamino. David Parker. Lincoln Starr. Steven Green. Bill Wong....

[A Little Later: Scott is stepping off the stage. A young man walks up to him.]

Man: Excuse me, Scott?

Scott: Uh-hmm?

Man: [nervously] I mean, Mr Thompson?

Scott: Yeah?

Man: Listen... I just wanted to thank you. First of all, for being so open.

Scott: [confused] Hmm?

Man: [whispering] Openly gay.

Scott: [whispering back] Oh. No problem.

Man: And second of all, for what you did tonight. I mean, when you read off that list of names of all the gay men that you knew that died of AIDS? It was so powerful!

Scott: Thank you. I really wanted to do something... powerful.

Man: Oh, it was. It was really powerful. Listen, can I get your autograph?

Scott: Yeah, sure. [gets a piece of paper and signs it] No problem. Okay?

Man: You know, can I get a hug?

Scott: [smiles] Yeah, sure. [hugs the man]

Man: Can I touch your penis?

Scott: No. [shakes head as the man walks off]

Scott: [calling after] I mean yes! [muttering] Darn!

[Cut to: A Dressing Room.]

[Scott is fixing his makeup when a pink glow appears around the mirror. We see Mark, a rather flamboyant looking man with wings].

[Scott looks up and screams startledly. Mark does as well. The two do it several times in counter point until they calm down]

Scott: David?

Mark: In the ectoplasm.

Scott: But you're...

Mark: Dead?

Scott: Yeah!

Mark: Yes.

Scott: So... how's the afterlife?

Mark: Well... it's a lot like Vancouver.

Scott: I knew it.

Mark: Scott.

Scott: Yes?

Mark: I saw the AIDS special you did tonight with Cynthia Dale. And might I say she's looking fabulous.

Scott: [pulls back his face skin with his hands] Surgery.

Mark: And I thought that when you read out that list of names, it was TRES TRES powerful!

Scott: Thank you. Yeah... I REALLY wanted to do something....

Mark: Shut up!

Scott: Yes.

Mark: Scott, a few of us noticed that your list was.. how shall we say... Incomplet.

Scott: [sheepishly] Oh... I forgot your name, didn't I?

Mark: Yes. And frankly, you made me look like a fool. I told everyboyd here that I knew you! And when you read out that list of names and I wasn't on it, I felt humiliated! And now they all think that I'm a liar! And they're teasing me that I died of cancer!

Scott: [apologetic] Look, I was really unprepared. I wrote the list that night on a napkin.

Mark: Yes. I noticed. Still putting catsup on shrimp, I see.

Scott: What can I say? I'm a goof.

Mark: Yes, you are. Now I don't want to harp on this...

[harp music begins to play in background. Mark rolls his eyes]

Mark: [mock exasperation] Cherubs! But, it's odd that you would forget me, don't you think? Seeing as how I'm the model for your big hit, character Buddy Cole?!?!

Scott: Well.......not really.

Mark: Yes, really! Who taught you how to lisp? Truman Capote?

Scott: Yes.

Mark: No he didn't! [smiles] We've become friends.

Scott: Oh.

Mark: So tell me... what happened?

Scott: [sighs] Well... okay... um.. well, I already had three Davids on the list. And I didn't want everybody to think that all gay men were named David.

Mark: Well, why not call me "Davey"? Or by my drag name: Jenny Craig?

Scott: I'm sorry... how can I make it up to you?

Mark: Well.... you can write up this little encounter as a sketch on your TV Show.

Scott: [nods] Yes.

Mark: And Scott?

Scott: Yes?

Mark: Get Mark to play me. He's the most talented anyway.

[pause as Scott appears to think it over]

Mark: Well?

Scott: Okay. [put his hand out] Let's shake.

Mark: I don't shake... I dissolve. [his image dissolves away]

Scott: Wait! Don't go! What does God look like?!

Mark: [fading] Oprah!

Scott: I knew it!


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video