Date Preparations

Transcribed from: Studio Taping
Transcribed by:
Dave: Well, I'm off.

Mark: Ohh... that's right, tonight's the big night, eh?

Dave: Yeah.

Mark: Hey you got condoms?

Dave: It's first date....

Mark: Hey well you might meet someone else...

Dave: Okay just uh, wish me luck okay..

Mark: Oh man, you're gonna need more than luck tonight...

Dave: Why why what, what...

Mark: You're taking a walkman on a date?

Dave: Yeah well it's, y'know, 'not like I'm gonna listen to it on the date or anything...

Mark: Yeah but it's the message you're sending -- it's like you're saying to her, "Entertain me or I'm gone!" Look. With women, alright, you gotta be there all the way: ears, eyes, nose, mouth, the works. Okay? Alright...

Dave: Yeah yeah, but you also wanna be yourself, right? And I always wear a walkman.

Mark: Suit yourself..

Dave: Yeah.

Mark: What tape you got in there come on...

Dave: Hey hey no-- that's, the Black Crowes.

Mark: Oh nonononono no no no no no wrong wrong no....

Dave: Why...

Mark: Here put this one on..

Dave: [whining] Aw, Ricky Lee Jones?

Mark: Yes..'Cause when she asks you what you're listening to and my friend, she is gonna ask you.......BOOM! You hit her with Ricky Lee Jones, now that's *instant* sensitivity, okay.

Dave: Really? Okay, ah ah yah I'll try it...

Mark: Kidding me? Never fails.

Dave: Alright..good.

Mark: Alright now, good. Now. What's your animal...?

Dave: .....Human?

Mark: No look, you *have* to pick an animal to be tonight, Look. Alright, I'll do this for ya. Alright, this is a first date?

Dave: Yah.

Mark: Okay. 'Right, so tiger, panther, all big cats are gone.........Wolf cub! {snaps} You're a wolf cub! Cute, cuddly, curious with all the promise..of a wild animal. *Her* wild animal, 'uh?

Dave: I....dunno, I..don' know..I

Mark: Are you kidding me?

Dave: I ju- don' know.....

Mark: Just trust me. It works.

Dave: Okay..

Mark: Okay now. What's her name....?

D Uh, Ana.

Mark: Okay, wanna know what it means?

Dave: ....No.

Mark: Well it looks *good* if you *do*, okay...At least *ask* her what it means, okay, it's *smart*, a good conversation starter, alright, sensitivity meter: red lining. Yeah. Have you still got that cast from when you broke your arm.

Dave: Yah, somewhere..

Mark: Okay find it I'll tape it back on.

Dave: [defensive] What for?

Mark: .Because; you show up with a broken arm, and you still made the date? Are you kidding, instant access.

Dave: Ah - I think I'm gonna pass.

Mark: Alright, fine.. I'll punch you in the eye.

Dave: WHY?

Mark: 'Cause I'm your *friend*! ...Look, you show up with a black eye, what's she gonna do.

Dave: Ask me how I got a black eye?

Mark: Okay, you be her, you ask me how I got the black eye.

Dave: Okay ah, so how didja get-

Mark: Hold on, could we h- could we get into it? Look.

Dave: So how did ya get a black eye...?

Mark: I don't wanna talk about it.

Dave: Okay fine..

Mark: No no no no! don't you see it?! She wants to know but you don't tell her? Y- Th- the mystery. The *modesty*. The *MAN*! Y'know, you're riding on the sensitivity bus here. Hello Mister Alda, hello Mister Donahue, And you are -

Dave: Mister Fergus...

Mark: Mister Fergus....alright go..

Dave: Hey I got an idea..

Mark: What..

Dave: [anxious] Why don't why don't you come along, I mean ah Ana's got a roommate, maybe I can call her up and the four of us could double what do you think of that. Maybe you could just pick an animal and join us huh whaddya say.

Mark: What me....?

Dave: Yeah yeah, you.

Mark: Date a girl?

Dave: Yeah.

Mark: A real girl?

Dave: Yeah.

Mark: Huhhuhuhuhhuhuuhuh nononono -- not a real girl are you serious a real girl? Yahaha n-- No that's too scary. Are you talking like a *whole* girl? A whole girl? Huhahhah could never do that.. Just go, just get out of here just go.. Oh waitwaitwaitwait nonononononono! Don't leave me.....!


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video