Crab Shampoo

Transcribed from: CBS
Transcribed by: and
The cast: Setting: Kevin: (to clerk) ...Maybe we can, uh, go out and have a coffee?

Girl: I really value our friendship.

Kevin: Okay.

[Mark enters scene constantly scratching his crotch]

Mark: Scuse me...can you tell me where the crab shampoo is?

Kevin: What kind of shampoo, sir?

Mark: Ya know, crab shampoo, for my crabs. I...I...I got crabs in my pubic hair!

Kevin: I think we have some over here.

Mark: Ah good! See, I uh, I'm not from here. I'm from 'Merica. So I'm not familiar with the crab shampoo section in these here Canadian drug stores.

Kevin: Here you go sir.

Mark: Hey! No, no, no come on, ya got anythin' uh, bigger? I mean I'm talkin' *crabs* son; there must be a million of them suckers squirmin' around down there. Hey...ya know a funny thing is...crabs...they actually look like crabs. I noticed that last night as I was examinin' them under my magnifyin' glass. Isn't that funny?!

Kevin: (gives him an odd smile...)

Mark: (Grabs crotch) GOD!! *Damn, their itchy!!* got a-a back scratcher or somethin'? Do you have those kinda things up here in Canada?

Kevin: (Points to a bin) Yeah..over there.

Mark: (Looks through bin, and chooses one) Ah...there we go! Now, don't get me wrong! I don't wanna BUY one, I just wanna BORROW one for a second. (Uses it to scratch crotch while looking at the clerk) Hey there little darlin'!

Kevin: Here you go... (Hands Mark a LARGE bottle of crab shampoo)

Mark: (Throws back scratcher back into the bin) Oh...thank ya! Ahright now, let's see..(looks at the bottle) Now this oughtta work. I mean, I know this'd kill American crabs, but these Canadian crabs are *tenacious* little mothers!

Kevin: It'll do it, sir.

Mark: Yeah, okay. Is there anywhere I can try this thing out? Like a changin' room, or somethin'; do you have those kinda things up here in Canada?

Kevin: ...yes we do, but *not* in drug stores.

Mark: Okay. Guess I'll hafta take my chances. Now, I don't want you thinkin' I got crabs all the time...but sometimes, I get all horned up and forget to put on my little rubber friend! Y'understand that?

Kevin: [Kevin nods...looking a little scared!!]

Mark: Okay...I just wanna say that you Canadians got a beautiful country down here!...'cept for that little crab problem! Hyuk, hyuk! Thanks again! (walks over to counter) Hey there, little darlin'! You wanna step out sometime?

Girl:: No!! You've got *crabs*!!!

Mark: *D-UH!!* That's why I got the crab shampoo! Ta get rid of 'em. Look...tell ya what! You give me half an hour and come up to my hotel room. (lays down key on counter) I'll be clean as a whistle!! (starts to walk out) Hey!! Bet I kiss better than your daddy!! (winks)

(Key begins to move across the counter)

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video