Cops: Did You Kill That Guy?

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison (

[Setting: Police Interrogation Room]

[A caption reads 10:00 am: Precinct House]

Bruce: First of all, I'd like to thank you for coming in this evening. And second of all.... [suddenly kneels next to suspect] did you kill that guy?

Scott: Nope.

[Bruce stands and moves next to Mark]

Mark: He's a tough cookie.

Bruce: You can say that again.

[Mark drinks some coffee as Bruce moves away.]

Scott: Can I go?

Bruce: No.

[The two cops crack their knuckles together.]

[A caption reads 6 p.m.: Precinct House]

Mark: So we'd like for you to be really comfortable so you can confess.

Scott: Okay.

[The cops sit across from the suspect, with a tape recorder between them Mark turns it on as the two cops loosen their ties and remove their hats]

Mark: Would you like coffee or a high protein snack?

Bruce: How about some nice chicken wings?

Scott: How about a TV?

[The cops look at each other. Later we see the three watching some comedy show. They all laugh a bit and then mark uses a remote to turn the TV off.]

Mark: [still smiling] Okay. It's a commercial. [holds up recorder] Did you kill that guy?

Scott: Nope.

Mark: Damn.

Scott: Hey, can we get cable?

Bruce: Hey! What do you think this is? A country club?

Mark: Yeah.

[Mark turns the TV back on and they go back to laughing at whatever is on]

[A caption says 11:00 PM Precinct House]

[The cops now sit on either side of the suspec.t]

Mark: Hey partner?

Bruce: Hmm?

Mark: You know, I killed a guy.

Bruce: Really?

Mark: Yeah.

Bruce: Me too!

Mark: Oh. Yeah, it was fun.

Bruce: Yeah. Killing a guy?

Mark: Yeah.

Bruce: Heck, we all do it now and then.

Mark: Yeah.

Bruce: [putting an arm around Scott] How about you?

Scott: Nope.

[The two cops sigh and lean forward on the table.]

Mark: I guess that peer pressure thing only works for smoking.

Bruce: Yeah. That's how I started.

[Mark reaches for a lighter and is about to light Scott's cigarette. Scott laughs as Mark puts it down and lights it himself.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video