Transcribed from: Comedy CentralCast:
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison (firstname.lastname@example.org)
[Setting: An Office]
- Bruce- Convenience Store Clerk
- Mark- Manager #1
- Dave- Manager #2
- Kevin- Customer with a soda
- Scott- Customer with the flowers
[Open on a shot of Bruce. The shot is in B&W and we see a time clock below the picture. Bruce is staring into space and humming, looking slightly stoned.]
[Cut to an office: Mark is standing and showing the footage from the security camera on a TV/VCR setup. Dave is sitting across from Bruce.]
Mark: [pauses tape] So what were you doing there?
Bruce: I was thinking about inventory... you know.. cups and toilet paper and licorice... you know? Inventory.
Dave: [pauses] Okay. Good work.
Mark: [nods] Let's continue.
[We cut back to the tape. We see Bruce sticking his head down inside a large freezer. As he pulls it out, he shakes his head and sighs in relief. Mark pauses the tape.]
Bruce: Well, it's really later there. I was falling asleep! I always stick my head in the freezer so I won't fall asleep!
Dave: [angrily] May I suggest that in the future you do your sleeping during the daytime when you work the night shift?
Mark: [looking at Dave] Hey hey hey, look. At least he's not drinking the company coffee to stay awake.
Dave: Good point.
Mark: Look, if you're going to stick you're head in the freezer to stay awake I suggest you keep it to under a minute. It's more energy efficient.
Bruce: [nods] OK. I will.
[Mark starts the tape again. We see Kevin approach the counter Bruce is at.]
Kevin: Excuse me?
Kevin: Do you have any straws left?
Kevin: No? There's none left in the container over there. I just need a straw.
Bruce: Please sir. I don't want any trouble.
Kevin: Trouble? What are you talking about? All I want is a straw....
Bruce: I said I don't have straws.
Kevin: Look, I just need a..
Bruce: [pulls a gun from under the counter] WOULD YOU GET OUT!??! I DON'T HAVE ANY STRAWS!!!!
Kevin: I'm sorry!
[Kevin runs out screaming.]
Bruce: [looking at door] The job's getting worse.... [Bruce reaches under the table and grabs a bat] COME BACK THEN! IF YOU'RE SO BIG! IF YOU'RE SO BIG!
[Mark pauses the tape and turns to Bruce]
Mark: We're all a little concerned about how you reacted in that situation.
Bruce: You can't see it from the angle of the camera, but he had shifty eyes... He had crack eyes. Man, this guy was a crack head!
Mark: What's this crack? [Dave whispers something to Mark] Oh, the new stuff?
Mark: Okay. In that case, I think you were way too slow. Listen, that guy could have gotten off a couple shots before you had the time to say "Self Defense."
Dave: Yeah. In the future: Shoot first, ask questions later.
Bruce: Shoot first.... ask questions later. Got it.
Mark: I think we have one more piece of tape to review before we give you our decision.
Dave: Yes. Is this it?
[The tape starts again. We see Bruce dancing and air guitaring in front of the camera. As he squats doing one dance move he farts loudly.]
[We see the tape being fast forwarded past a scene of Bruce making out with a woman behind the counter, while a customer waits.]
Dave: Is this it?
Mark: No. I've seen this.
[We then cut to footage of Bruce being chased around the store by a large dog.]
Dave: This? No.
Mark: No, no... I remember the dog.
[Cut to footage of Bruce juggling a sack of something then using it as a punching bag.]
Dave: I think it must be earlier.
Mark: No, no. It's coming up.
Dave: No, I think you missed it.
Dave: Oh there it is.
[The fast forwarding stops as we come to a man (Scott) coming to the counter with a bouquet.]
Bruce: Those are really nice. Three dollars.
Scott: I only have a twenty. Can you break it?
Bruce: Oh sure... [pauses then mutters] Pain in the ass.
[Bruce frowns as he ducks behind the register and smiles as he comes up.]
Bruce: Thank you. Come again.
Scott: Thank you.
[As Scott exits, Bruce mutters something that is bleeped out and he gives Scott the finger.]
[Mark pauses the tape.]
Dave: [moves to screen, using a pencil as a pointer] Okay. Now. Correct me if I'm wrong, but is this the finger? Are you giving the finger?
Bruce: But he had the change! I know he had the change! My gut told me he had the change!
[Dave sits back down as he and Mark look at each other and then turn to Bruce.]
Mark: Look, um... we've reviewed the tape several times and.... I'm sorry. We just can't give you that 50 cents an hour raise you wanted.
Bruce: But how am I going to live on $4.86 an hour?
Mark: Like an extra 50 cents is going to get you that car you've always wanted?
[Dave and Mark laugh as they exit. Bruce gives them the finger, which we see through the security camera of that room.]