Convenience Store

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison (
Cast: [Setting: An Office]

[Open on a shot of Bruce. The shot is in B&W and we see a time clock below the picture. Bruce is staring into space and humming, looking slightly stoned.]

[Cut to an office: Mark is standing and showing the footage from the security camera on a TV/VCR setup. Dave is sitting across from Bruce.]

Mark: [pauses tape] So what were you doing there?

Bruce: I was thinking about inventory... you know.. cups and toilet paper and licorice... you know? Inventory.

Dave: [pauses] Okay. Good work.

Mark: [nods] Let's continue.

[We cut back to the tape. We see Bruce sticking his head down inside a large freezer. As he pulls it out, he shakes his head and sighs in relief. Mark pauses the tape.]

Bruce: Well, it's really later there. I was falling asleep! I always stick my head in the freezer so I won't fall asleep!

Dave: [angrily] May I suggest that in the future you do your sleeping during the daytime when you work the night shift?

Mark: [looking at Dave] Hey hey hey, look. At least he's not drinking the company coffee to stay awake.

Dave: Good point.

Mark: Look, if you're going to stick you're head in the freezer to stay awake I suggest you keep it to under a minute. It's more energy efficient.

Bruce: [nods] OK. I will.

[Mark starts the tape again. We see Kevin approach the counter Bruce is at.]

Kevin: Excuse me?

Bruce: Yes?

Kevin: Do you have any straws left?

Bruce: No.

Kevin: No? There's none left in the container over there. I just need a straw.

Bruce: Please sir. I don't want any trouble.

Kevin: Trouble? What are you talking about? All I want is a straw....

Bruce: I said I don't have straws.

Kevin: Look, I just need a..

Bruce: [pulls a gun from under the counter] WOULD YOU GET OUT!??! I DON'T HAVE ANY STRAWS!!!!

Kevin: I'm sorry!

Bruce: Okay?!?!

Kevin: Okay!

Bruce: GO!

[Kevin runs out screaming.]

Bruce: [looking at door] The job's getting worse.... [Bruce reaches under the table and grabs a bat] COME BACK THEN! IF YOU'RE SO BIG! IF YOU'RE SO BIG!

[Mark pauses the tape and turns to Bruce]

Mark: We're all a little concerned about how you reacted in that situation.

Bruce: You can't see it from the angle of the camera, but he had shifty eyes... He had crack eyes. Man, this guy was a crack head!

Mark: What's this crack? [Dave whispers something to Mark] Oh, the new stuff?

Dave: UM-hmm.

Mark: Okay. In that case, I think you were way too slow. Listen, that guy could have gotten off a couple shots before you had the time to say "Self Defense."

Dave: Yeah. In the future: Shoot first, ask questions later.

Bruce: Shoot first.... ask questions later. Got it.

Mark: I think we have one more piece of tape to review before we give you our decision.

Dave: Yes. Is this it?

[The tape starts again. We see Bruce dancing and air guitaring in front of the camera. As he squats doing one dance move he farts loudly.]

Mark: No.

[We see the tape being fast forwarded past a scene of Bruce making out with a woman behind the counter, while a customer waits.]

Dave: Is this it?

Mark: No. I've seen this.

[We then cut to footage of Bruce being chased around the store by a large dog.]

Dave: This? No.

Mark: No, no... I remember the dog.

[Cut to footage of Bruce juggling a sack of something then using it as a punching bag.]

Dave: I think it must be earlier.

Mark: No, no. It's coming up.

Dave: No, I think you missed it.

Mark: No.

Dave: Oh there it is.

[The fast forwarding stops as we come to a man (Scott) coming to the counter with a bouquet.]

Bruce: Those are really nice. Three dollars.

Scott: I only have a twenty. Can you break it?

Bruce: Oh sure... [pauses then mutters] Pain in the ass.

[Bruce frowns as he ducks behind the register and smiles as he comes up.]

Bruce: Thank you. Come again.

Scott: Thank you.

[As Scott exits, Bruce mutters something that is bleeped out and he gives Scott the finger.]

[Mark pauses the tape.]

Dave: [moves to screen, using a pencil as a pointer] Okay. Now. Correct me if I'm wrong, but is this the finger? Are you giving the finger?

Bruce: But he had the change! I know he had the change! My gut told me he had the change!

[Dave sits back down as he and Mark look at each other and then turn to Bruce.]

Mark: Look, um... we've reviewed the tape several times and.... I'm sorry. We just can't give you that 50 cents an hour raise you wanted.

Bruce: But how am I going to live on $4.86 an hour?

Mark: Like an extra 50 cents is going to get you that car you've always wanted?

[Dave and Mark laugh as they exit. Bruce gives them the finger, which we see through the security camera of that room.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video