Shoveling Coal

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by:
Cast: [Bruce and Mark are shoveling coal. Bruce stops.]

Bruce: Gregolt. Gregolt.

[Mark stops.]

Bruce: I wish to speak to you now.

Mark: But, Previn, we work in silence.

Bruce: You are right.

[Both start to shovel. Both stop.]

Bruce: But, each day we work in silence. I can stand the silence no more.

Mark: Each day we shovel fuel.

Bruce: But, each day I feel the darkness. Each day I feel the blackness. Each day we shovel fuel to feed the furnace. Each day I work as hard as I can.

Mark: You are a good worker. You are a better worker when you work in silence.

[Both start to shovel. Both stop.]

Bruce: Gregolt, it occurs to me this day that our work cannot stop the darkness. It cannot stop the blackness, the black hand that massages as I speak.

Mark: But, each day we shovel fuel!

Bruce: You are right.

[Both start to shovel. Bruce stops.]

Bruce: Ahheye!

[Mark stops.]

Mark: What is it?

Bruce: You know--the sadness, the blackness--when will it end?

Mark: [acts out shoveling motion] Heh heh eh?

[Both start to shovel.]

Bruce: Gregolt, [Bruce stops] what do you go home to?

[Mark stops.]

Mark: My wife, my child, my rooster.

[Mark begins to shovel, Bruce waits.]

Mark: What do you go home to?

Bruce: Sadness. Silence. Darkness. Blackness.

Mark: Each day we shovel fuel! Each day we work in silence!

[Both start to shovel. Both stop.]

Bruce: The silence is too loud. The darkness is too bright. It blinds me. It deafens me. I am left blind. I am left deaf, in the darkness, in the blackness.

Mark: Why not try a little work, maybe that will help the blackness.

Bruce: Am I to live in blackness?

Mark: If it will help you work, yes.

[Both start to shovel.]

[Whistle blows; both stop.]

Mark: Our shift has ended, maybe the blackness will end, too.

Bruce: Maybe.

[Two men enter, take shovels, throw one shovel-full in furnace. Whistle blows. The two men hand shovels back and leave.]

Bruce: Our shift begins anew.

Mark: Did you enjoy your time off?

Bruce: There is no time off, not until I am crushed by the black hand.

[Mark rolls his eyes. Both start to shovel.]

Bruce: In the darkness. In the silence. In the sadness. In the blackness.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video