Kevin: Talks With His Clothes

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison (

[Setting: A Bedroom. Kevin enters from a bathroom in an undershirt and pajama bottoms.]

[Kevin holds a shirt, which he talks to.]

Kevin: And how are you this morning my fine fellow, Shirt? You look well. I am good too, sir! You are the shirt I choose to represent me today. [starts to put the shirt on] Serve me well sir, but do not fear. For if I did not have every confidence in the world in you, you never would have gotten the job. Hey, pajamas! The kid's a little nervous...

[Kevin moves over to a dresser. He pulls out a pair of Jockey shorts.]

Kevin: What? What's that? But I beseech you Good Sir Underwear! Do not quit! We have gone through too much together for you to leave me now! [starts to put Underwear on, thankfully the camera changes angles so Kevin is behind a plant] What about a deal, sir? You stay with me until I find a replacement and when I do, if you still want to leave, I shall retire you with honors! That's a promise, sir! What's that socks? Oh, you Socks are always joking. You make me laugh, so! You look at life through such bizarre eyes! Where do you get your ideas? I can't imagine life without you! [starts to walk to bathroom] Stop it Socks, you're killing me!

[He enters the bathroom and emerges carrying a pair of pants.]

Kevin: What? You are out of order sir! After that, you will only hear silence from me! I mean it, Pants! Not a word until I get an apology! Don't sulk. You only demean yourself.

[Kevin hangs the pants on a chair. He puts on a coat and scarf that hang on a hat rack next to the chair.]

Kevin: Morning, Coat. Did you sleep well. Thank you, sir. Scarf; no more of those nasty nightmares, I hope. Everyone? I'd like you to meet someone new. This is Hat. [holds up a Hat] Hat? This is Scarf, Coat, Shirt, Underwear, Socks, and Shoes. Welcome aboard, Hat! All right to work.

[Kevin picks up the pants and moves for the door.]

Kevin: Nope I can't hear you, Pants! Nope. Not a word until I hear an apology! No Siree! Look, we've a 40 minute bus ride ahead of us.. plenty of time for you to think about it!

[Kevin exits, not wearing pants.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video