Secret Sauce

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison
Cast- [Setting: An Office.]

[Bruce stands at a desk. He is dressed as fast food restaurant employee, complete with a paper hat. Dave, an older man with thick eyebrows and grey hair sits at the desk in a trance as Bruce watches him. He is dressed in the same colors as the clerk, but he wears a tie and a vest that mark him as management.]

[Kevin runs in, wearing the same uniform as Bruce.]

Kevin: Sir, it's a madhouse out there! And we're almost out of special sauce!

Bruce: Shhhhsh!

Kevin: Don't shhsh me! You're not out there on the front lines! The special sauce is almost gone! [panicked whisper] It's almost gone!

Bruce: Can't you see our crew chief is thinking? He can't, no he mustn't be disturbed.

Kevin: What? I'm confused.

Bruce: Right now his thoughts are in a raw, pure state. They have not fully crystallized. Do you want them to tumble out of his mouth prematurely, into this world? Now do you understand?

Kevin: Yeah, I guess so.

[The two watch Dave some more. He still does not blink.]

Kevin: What's he thinking about?

Bruce: One never knows, for he is the Chosen One. Hand-picked by the Powers That Be; the gods who sign our paychecks. His thoughts can range from the simplest, "Oh gee, my ass is itchy", to the most profound..."If there is a God, does he have a job?"

Kevin: Wow. All my thoughts tend to be in the "hey, my ass is itchy" category.

[The two chuckle as Bruce puts an arm around Kevin and the two move away from the desk to stare up at the ceiling in wonder and inspiration.]

Bruce: That's why the Chosen One is special. He can relate to simple people like us... and still talk to the Powers That Be! He can bridge the gap! He's the Go-Between! He is the one...

[Suddenly, Dave moves a bit in the chair, looking around as if blind.]

Dave: Todd... Todd?

[The two boys move back to the Desk, Kevin's face being gently held with one hand as he leans toward Dave.]

Kevin: Yes sir?

Dave: Todd? Todd? Todd... [Dave speaks haltingly, like Charelton Heston trying to sound dramatic] In the back of the fridge... in the walk-in? There is a bucket marked 'Pickles'. It is actually a bucket of Special Sauce. It has been improperly labled! Go and take it... it should get you through the rush!

Kevin: Yes sir!

[Kevin runs out and exits. Bruce is about to join him, walking out slowly when Dave raises his head again.]

Dave: Crispin?

Bruce: Yes, Chosen One?

Dave: I'm going to need some aspirin and a glass of water...

Bruce: I'd be honored, Chosen One!

[As Bruce leaves, Dave rolls his head upward and looks at the ceiling.]

Dave: I'm so alone.

[As he stares up in contemplation, we see Kevin rushing past the office window, holding a large barrel marked "Pickles", as the audience applauds.]


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video