Transcribed from: Comedy CentralCast-
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison
[Setting: An Office.]
- Bruce- Crispin
- Kevin- Todd
- Dave- Crew Chief
[Bruce stands at a desk. He is dressed as fast food restaurant employee, complete with a paper hat. Dave, an older man with thick eyebrows and grey hair sits at the desk in a trance as Bruce watches him. He is dressed in the same colors as the clerk, but he wears a tie and a vest that mark him as management.]
[Kevin runs in, wearing the same uniform as Bruce.]
Kevin: Sir, it's a madhouse out there! And we're almost out of special sauce!
Kevin: Don't shhsh me! You're not out there on the front lines! The special sauce is almost gone! [panicked whisper] It's almost gone!
Bruce: Can't you see our crew chief is thinking? He can't, no he mustn't be disturbed.
Kevin: What? I'm confused.
Bruce: Right now his thoughts are in a raw, pure state. They have not fully crystallized. Do you want them to tumble out of his mouth prematurely, into this world? Now do you understand?
Kevin: Yeah, I guess so.
[The two watch Dave some more. He still does not blink.]
Kevin: What's he thinking about?
Bruce: One never knows, for he is the Chosen One. Hand-picked by the Powers That Be; the gods who sign our paychecks. His thoughts can range from the simplest, "Oh gee, my ass is itchy", to the most profound..."If there is a God, does he have a job?"
Kevin: Wow. All my thoughts tend to be in the "hey, my ass is itchy" category.
[The two chuckle as Bruce puts an arm around Kevin and the two move away from the desk to stare up at the ceiling in wonder and inspiration.]
Bruce: That's why the Chosen One is special. He can relate to simple people like us... and still talk to the Powers That Be! He can bridge the gap! He's the Go-Between! He is the one...
[Suddenly, Dave moves a bit in the chair, looking around as if blind.]
Dave: Todd... Todd?
[The two boys move back to the Desk, Kevin's face being gently held with one hand as he leans toward Dave.]
Kevin: Yes sir?
Dave: Todd? Todd? Todd... [Dave speaks haltingly, like Charelton Heston trying to sound dramatic] In the back of the fridge... in the walk-in? There is a bucket marked 'Pickles'. It is actually a bucket of Special Sauce. It has been improperly labled! Go and take it... it should get you through the rush!
Kevin: Yes sir!
[Kevin runs out and exits. Bruce is about to join him, walking out slowly when Dave raises his head again.]
Bruce: Yes, Chosen One?
Dave: I'm going to need some aspirin and a glass of water...
Bruce: I'd be honored, Chosen One!
[As Bruce leaves, Dave rolls his head upward and looks at the ceiling.]
Dave: I'm so alone.
[As he stares up in contemplation, we see Kevin rushing past the office window, holding a large barrel marked "Pickles", as the audience applauds.]