Chicken Lady: Horsey

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by:
Cast: [In a mall, a little boy is riding on a toy horse, then suddenly stops]

Dave: What's the matter Barry? [turns around, sees Chicken Lady]

Mark: Is he gonna be long on the horsie?

Dave: Um, I'm afraid my son hasn't finished his ride yet.

Mark: But I gotta get on! I gotta get on!

Dave: Why?

Mark: Because I have to do everything like I did the day before.

Dave: The day before? I don't understand.

Mark: Well, it's like, this morning, I got up and I washed myself in the toilet, just like I did the day before, and then I went to the bank and I deposited three dollars, just like I did the day before, and then I rode all day on the city bus until the sun went down, just like I did the day before, and then I came here and I drank two bottles of tequila under the l-l-loading dock, just like I did the day before...

Little Boy: Mom, can I have another quarter, please?

Mark: No, it's my turn! I gotta get on! It's almost 6:30!

Dave: Why is it so important that you get on by 6:30?

Mark: Cause I'm masturbating.

Dave: You're masturbating?!

Mark: Yeah, all day, and this is the last part, right? So get him off! Please, please...

Dave: Barry, don't be frightened, just get off the horse.

Little Boy: Are you Big Bird?

Mark: No, but I want to meet him, because the bearded lady says they call him Big Bird cause he's got a really big---

Dave: Shut up! Shut your filthy bird mouth!

Mark: Yeah, you too, eh? Oh! I don't have a quarter. I don't have a quarter, can I please have a q-q-quarter?

Dave: You want me to give you a quarter so that you can masturbate in front of my child?

Mark: Yeah!

Dave: I'm getting someone in authority. [Leaves with her son.]

Mark: Oh good! I need someone to watch. [gets on horse] Oh, excuse me, can I have a quarter, please, please can I have a quarter?

Little Girl: Grandpa, I want to see the big chicken ride the horsie.

Scott: Okay. Is this part of a mall promotion?

Mark: [nodding] Yeah!!

Scott: Okay. Here's a quarter. There you go.

Mark: Are you gonna watch?

Scott: Well, if it doesn't take too long.

Mark: Oh, great! [puts in the quarter]

Little Girl: Yay! The big chicken's riding the horsie!

Mark: Oh, yeah! [explodes]

Scott: Well, that was the worst mall promotion I've ever seen. Come on!

Dave: There it is!

Bruce: I'm the assistant manager of Baskin Robbins. Come with me!

[Mark explodes again. Bruce walks off in a daze.]

[Mark gets off the horse.]

Mark: Bye, horsie. See you tomorrow. [leaves]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video