Transcribed from: Comedy CentralCast-
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison
[We open on a shot of a man in his underwear, holding a briefcase. He spins around, as if on a turntable, in front of a lime green background.]
- Bruce- Himself
- Man- Margaret
- Woman- Sandra
Announcer: This is Margaret Turkoff. An odd name for a man, but his parents, two weeks after his birth, still not having named their 8.1 pounder, panicked.
[We get a quick jump shot of a man and woman hurriedly flipping through a book of baby names and eventually coming upon a page with "Margaret" at the top.]
Announcer: Margaret. Yes, Margaret. A 33 year old bachelor, although that is not how he would define himself.
[Cut to a woman, also on a turn table in her underwear, but in front of a pink/purple background. She wears a Nurse's hat and carries a white purse.]
Announcer: This is Sandra Godly. A 27 year old Nursing Aide, makes $32,000 a year, never married. And that IS how she would describe herself.
[The shot of the woman is overlapped by a hand shaking up some dice and a spinning roulette wheel.]
Announcer: The crux of our story surrounds a chance meeting.
[We cut to a shot of Bruce, sitting at the table in an outdoor cafe. He is smoking, and looking intense.]
Announcer: This is our filmmaker. He thought for several days of how he would introduce our couple's chance meeting. At first, he considered an elaborate swooping crane-shot, following our subjects to their meeting place.
[As the announcer says this, we cut to Bruce sitting at the head of a table with a model before him. There are two buildings that appear to be made of milk cartons and far beneath them, some tiny scale model people.]
Announcer: His intention with this expensive shot was to say that this is one story of many, that the world is all connected, man. The production elements of this very show thought that Bruce had not taken into consideration the logostical problems inherent in filmmaking.
[Bruce gestures grandly around the model, cigarette still in hand. The other people at the table looking at him indifferently. Bruce eventually storms from the room.]
Announcer: The idea was scrapped.
[We fade to black and then reopen on the woman and man walking along the street.]
Announcer: Instead, it was decided that we would see our two friends in easy to achieve, hand-held shots, walking down the street. Now, as Margaret walks down the street, to be quite truthful, his mind is occupied with the thoughts of receiving handjobs from strange women.
[We cut to a woman's right hand, curled into a 'C-shape', in front of the purple background, moving in an up-and down fashion. In a quick jump, we see the hand in the same position, but now it grasps a hot dog in the C-grip.]
Announcer: Every so often, the handjob fantasies will be interrupted with the occasional flash of food.
[We cut to the woman, walking along the street.]
Announcer: As Sandra walks down the street, she, to be quite candid, is consumed by the thought of men's bums as they go for a morning pee.
[As the announcer says this, we cut to several shots of men's bums, the bottoms of their bum's JUST visible, being cut off by the long shirts they wear.]
Announcer: Going for their morning pee after they've given her a good night's loving. These men in Sandra's mind all have faces. Some work in her office, are boyfriends of friends, etc...
[Cut back to the man.]
Announcer: Whereas Margaret's fantasies involve seemingly faceless women with soft, but strong handjob hands.
[We get a brief shot of the handjob motioning hand again.]
Announcer: One may think this is, in a nutshell, the difference between men and women. But let's not be too hasty. For these are, as our filmmaker believes, just two people of many.
[We get a quick shot of Bruce again, at he outdoor cafe. He is with a woman - Tamara Gorski of the Kathies' "New Girl" sketch - who looks very bored and Bruce describes the swooping crane shot he wanted, with his hands.]
[We do a quick shot of the roulette wheel, before we cut back to the two people walking.]
Announcer: Now as Margaret walks, handjobs and food on his mind, Sandra's morning buttocks are replaced with an urging more easy to fill and that is too, of food.
[Cut to: A Hot Dog Stand. We get a quick shot of the rolling dice and of the male figure being nudged closer to the woman figure on Bruce's model from earlier.]
Announcer: Today, she has decided to break her self-imposed diet and stop at this hot dog stand.
[We get another quick shot of the Roulette wheel, which is starting to slow.]
Announcer: This is where my voice fades into the listener's ear, as our two young heroes meet at a hot dog cart, outside a building, which could be any cart in front of any building.
[Cut back to the Hot Dog Stand. The man is already standing at it as the woman walks up.]
[The man glances at the woman as she pays for her dog. He watches with great interest as she holds the dog and easily slides it under the mustard dispenser.]
[The woman looks up at the man and smiles a bit. He too smiles nervously.]
[The two pause. Then the man starts to turn around.]
[The two turn and go their separate ways.]
[We see the dice hitting the green felt of a craps table. They come up as a 2 and a 4 (if you really must know).]
Announcer: I'm back. So there it is. A chance meeting.
[Cut to the woman, walking away.]
Announcer: There goes Sandra, diet broken, hot dog in hand. And what is she thinking about? She thinks of Margaret.
[Quick shot of the baby book. We cut to the man walking away.]
Announcer: And Margaret? He thinks of Sandra. And the overwhelming question of what could have been if they had connected.
[We cut to Bruce, again at the cafe, this time with a bored looking man who watches as Bruce gestures frantically and chain smokes.]
Announcer: Random hands have been taken over by a person. A triumph for feminism? Who's to say? But our filmmaker believes this is a glimpse at the small sadness' that are housed in streets, buildings and yes, hot dog stands in every city.
[We cut to a panning crane shot, going from the hot dog stand to a view of the city.]
Announcer: Oh look! An overhead shot. I guess our novice filmmaker intended to conclude that we are driven by, consumed, and most importantly, cast unknowingly in the daydreams that make up this and each city. Your city? You? Fade.
[We fade to black on the image of the city.]