Darrill: Foot Energy

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison (herogreenlantern@hotmail.com)
Cast: [Setting: A Lab]

[We see Darill on a table, being swung back and forth on chains, like on a hammock.]

[We see Bruce, watching through a lighted magnifying lens, jotting notes on a clipboard.]

Mark V.O.: My friend, Carlo is a brilliant scientist and it is a social tragedy that he has never been employed as such. So it is for him and the $5.75 an hour that I have agreed to help him with his latest experiment.

Bruce: We will now measure your energy. Stand please.

[Bruce moves mark onto a chair. It almost looks like a bird's perch. There is a glass box in front of the chair which Bruce places's Mark's feet on after he removes a pair of aluminum foil booties from his feet. We see an identical chair to the right.]

[Cut to POV shot of Mark, through the glass as he looks at it]

Mark V.O.: Fascinating stuff! A lot of this technical jargon is beyond me. And Carlo is too consumed by his pursuit of excellence to explain. But basically the idea is that I am to be submitted to various stimuli and then the energy around my toes is to be measured.

[Cut to Bruce looking at a monitor on which we see two feet. Blue energy seems to crackle around the feet.]

Mark: Ah, Carlo! I'm curious. Do you select your stimuli from a scientifically approved list of stimuli? Or do you...

Bruce: Shsh!

Mark: Sorry.. go on.

[Cut to Bruce, remove the foil booties from another man's feet and placeing them on his glass censor box.]

Mark V.O.: As a control, or placebo, my cousin Neev has volunteered to be measured without stimuli, during the course of the week.

[Neev and Darrill look at each other. Darrill smiles until Carlo moves over and glares at him. Darrill then turns away from Neev.]

Mark V.O.: Neev and I are forbidden to speak to each other on account of the potential contamination of our fields of energy.

[We cut to Bruce's POV. He looks at two monitors. They both show the same image of two crackling feet.]

[Cut to a bit later. Mark is lying in a crossed-line hammock, playing with a Simon game while Bruce takes notes.]

Mark V.O.: The stiumli I am subjected to are wide-ranging and ingenious in their variety.

Mark: So far, so good.

[We see a small conveyor belt, carrying items past a blind-folded Mark, who sniffs them.]

Mark: [a piece of cheese passes] Cheese.. Um Rutford? [a clove of garlic] Umm.. Garlic. Definitely! [A fish head passes] Pass! Sorry!

[Cut to Mark, facing the screen. Bruce stands behind him clicking a slide projector.]

Mark: More puke? [Bruce changes it and Mark laughs] Something wrong with me? Because I still see puke. [Bruce changes it again] Ah! Now that's definitely a terrier.

[Cut back to the conveyor belt.]

Mark: [air freshner passes] Hmmm.. taxi? Air freshner! Air freshner! [a trophy passes] Trophy!

Mark V.O.: Unfortunately, by mid-week the much sought after energy fields have failed to materialize. Hoever, in science, this is where they seperate the men from the boys and Carlo's experiments become more rigourous.

[We see Bruce pace nervously in front of Darrill and his cousin. He stops and motions to Darrill as the internal monolgoue stops]

Bruce: [gesturing with finger] Come.

[We cut to Mark, who sits in a chair which is spun around and around. Around his head, a variety of speakers spin in the opposite direction, fast enough that he can just hear the sound form one speaker but not understand the voices speaking.]

[We cut to a kalideoscope view of the lab. We cut shots to see that Mark is now wearing a set of glasses the cover his eyes and spin kalideoscopes in front of him so he cannot see clearly. We do see a nose for a moment and can make out Bruce's face, albiet it very jumbled.]

[We then see Darrill, looking quite cold as he shivers, having been stuffed in a cold area. Bruce walks over and lets him out.]

Mark V.O.: Some of the stimuli are not exactly my cup of tea but as hard as they are on me, the strain seems to be taking it's toll on Carlo the worst. I'm wondering if he might be cracking up under the pressure.

[Cut to a close up of Bruce. He looks quite the mad scientist.]

[Cut to the two monitors again. They still look the same.]

Mark V.O.: Despite his best efforts, our toes are as stingy as Scrooge with those energy fluctuations.. I'm beginning to feel guilty that maybe my toes are the problem. Suprisingly though, it is cousin Neev who snaps.

[Cut to Cousin Neeve who is curled up on his chair, waste-paper basket between his legs. He screams and throws the basket up, scattering paper about. Darril and Carlo try to approach closer, but he threatens them with the basket. Carlo convulses like he's having a nervous breakdown, as he clings to the basket.]

Bruce: [claps his hand] Give me the waste paper basket.

[Neeve still holds the basket close, as the two still try and cautiously get close to him.]

Mark V.O.: Sadly, the experiment is called off. And its potential remains unutilized.

[Neeve screams and throws the basket at Carlo off camera as we see Darrill recoil in horror and fade to black.]

[Fade in on Darrill swiging on the metal table on chains. This eventually fades into the image of an atomic bomb cloud. Superimposed above that, we see the feet, surrounded by electrical energy. The bomb background fades to black behind the feet at the end while the last monolgoue is read.]

Mark V.O.: But of late. I have been having the strangest dreams. I dream that my toes have this incredible energy attached to them. And although I can't seem to control it, I know in my dream state that the energy coming from my toes is a force... [the right foot moves over and scratches the left, making a squeaky noise] ....FOR GOOD! So I say... how about it, Science?!?!

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video