Male Prostitute Greeting Card Writer

Transcribed from: Studio Taping
Transcribed by: KdsInThHal@aol.com
Cast: Secretary: Mister Anderchuck, I'm going to lunch now, okay?

Mark: Phyllis could you send in the next applicant please.

Kevin: Uh there's no Phyllis here..

Mark: Who are you?

Kevin: The next applicant.

Mark: Oh come on in. Hi, and you are Mister uh...

Kevin: Leaky, and I'm not a male prostitute.

Mark: Of course..... have you any experience in writing greeting cards?

Kevin: No, but uh, that doesn't make me a male prostitute.

Mark: Of course not. But what *are* you experienced in?

Kevin: Well uh not selling my body to closeted old men on the street for ten years; I'll tell you that much.

Mark: Alright well uh...what we're looking for here is ah someone with genuine inspiration - we actually find that that's much more valuable than experience, y'know.

Kevin: Yeah - just like on the street. Where a john will pick a good looking 18-year-old prostitute over a *FINE* looking 32-year-old prostitute, even though he's been around the block a few times and has a thousand ways to please a man.

Mark: Mr. Leaky are you a male prostitute?

Kevin: {heart pounding} [nervously] No....

Mark: Okay. And I'm gonna ask you a question that I've been asking all the other applicants - and that is a--

Kevin: Look, I know what it is, can I just say once in for all that I never dressed up as Gene Simmons of KISS and gnawed for the jesus out of a pervy stockbroker.

Mark: That's not what I was gonna ask, Mr. Leaky..I was gonna ask you for off the top of your head an idea for a greeting card.

Kevin: OH! ...Okay, okay. Alright, I see the drawing of a man that has salt and lime juice on his chest. I see another man licking the first man's nipples. And the card reads: "Thank you for being my human margurita last friday night." D'ya like?

Mark: No Mr. Leaky I *don't* like - I don't like it at all! First off, you have no talent for writing greeting cards, and second all, it's ah, even more obvious that you're a male prostitute, *aren't* you and *that's* your real talent.

Kevin: YEAH? WELL YOU'RE WRONG SHERLOCK, WRONG! I'M JUST A GUY WITH A DREAM OF BEING A GREETING CARD WRITER. BUT I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING, 'CAUSE YOU TURNED ME DOWN I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO GO TO THE STREETS AND BECOME A MALE PROSTITUTE..I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY......

Mark: Look Lo- M -Mister Leaky I'm sorry it's just that--

Kevin: YOU KNOW... I just wonder how many whores out there are frustrated greeting card writers. [Whispering] You bastard..

Mark: How many? The streets are full of them, Mr. Leaky, the streets are full of them.

(noise from outside):

Police: [siren] You're under arrest....Up against the wall...Seven bucks is all you're worth, get outta my car...

Whore: Work it, WORK it...


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video