Please, Please, Please Guy: Cable

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison (
Cast: [Setting: A street. We see Mark driving along on one of those little scooters for the elderly and handicaped. He nearly hits a businessman who he rings a bell at and honks a horn at.]

[Cut to: Foyer of Superstar]

[Mark drives in, glaring at a woman who gets the door for him. His horn is sounding so apparently he has been waiting there for SOMEONE to get the door for him. He continues to look at her, and mutters something, not noticing the large desk in front of him until he crashes into it. Recovering nicely, he rings his bicycle bell and honks the horn until Scott comes out]

Scott: Hello, Hello, Hello. Good afternoon. How can I help you, sir?

Mark: Oh, please, please, please don't shut off my cable! It's all I got,eh? That and the smokes and I've already cut them down to two packs a day!

Scott: Can I have your name please sir?

Mark: Look, look, look. Please don't cut off my cable. I've been thinking about it, eh? It's all I got, that and the smokes, you know, and if you cut off my cable I'd probably die!

Scott: Well we don't want that, do we sir?

Mark: No.

Scott: Did you bring your cable bill with you?

Mark: Oh, no no... I burned it... it depressed me.

Scott: What's your name?

Mark: Look.. look... look.. just take this, okay? [pulls out a large jar full of coins and puts it on the counter] It's all I've got anymore! That damn GSE, eh?

Scott: Sir, I can't take this untiL I know how much you owe us. I need your name! Do you understand?!

Mark: Okay. Billy Bicks. I'm a war hero. That's the Korean War. I killed four Korean genetlemen, but there was nothing personal about it. It's what I was sent over to do.

Scott: [looking it up on a computer] Okay, here is sir. Billy Bicks. You owe us $61.40.

Mark: Please, please don't shut off my cable! [pulls out a TV Guide with a date circled in red) Look! On Wednesday there's a documentary on bugs, eh? I can't tell ya how much I've been looking forward to that! I've got a funny feeling that if I miss this one I'm going to die! And that'll leave my invalid wife to take care of herself. But she can't! Weighs almost 400 pounds! If you shut off my cable, she might get up!

Scott: Allright! (opens jar and spreads it on counter and starts counting)

Mark: Do you know how to cook a roast?

Scott: A roast?

Mark: A roast. I'm thinking of cooking one, except I don't know how to.

Scott: No, I don't.

Mark: How am I doing there?

Scott: Sir, there can't be more than $15 dollars here. I'm sorry. It's not enough.

Mark: Please, please, please don't shut off my cable!

Scott: Sir, you've left us no choice.

Mark: [angry] So is that how you get your jollies at the cable company, eh? Cutting off the cable of Korean War veterans? Is that how you get your kinky sex jollies?!?!

Scott: No, it is not sir! You just don't have enough money, okay?

Mark: Well, couldn't you just turn a blind eye? Oh, please, please, please...

Scott: Sir, I would love to but.. you see that camera right there? [points to security camera] That's head office. If I cheat for you, I lose my job. Do you understand?

Mark: [spins around to face the camera, we see a black and white point of view shot from the camera as he says this] Please, please, please don't shut off my cable!

[The phone rings and Scott answers it]

Scott: Hello? Oh, yes? Certainly. I understand. Okay. [hangs up] Okay, sir. You're off the hook. We'll take this as a deposit.

Mark: Oh, God bless you! God bless your soul. [turns back to the camera and we get the POV B&W shot again] Whoever you are! Oh God, my poor heart. Everything is going so fast, eh? You got a smoke?

Scott: I don't smoke.

Mark: Don't smoke? [horrified] Then I've just got the two! I'd better get home.. oh, I'd better get home.

[Mark turns around to leave but backs into a small table with a lamp. We hear the lamp break as he moves forward towards the door]

Scott: Sir!

[Scott moves to clean up the mess as Mark drives out the door, conveniently held open by someone who just happened to be coming in.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video