Bye Stan

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison (
Cast: [Setting: An Office in AT& Love]

[We start out in the mailroom. We see a clock. It is 5 pm. The radio clicks on and plays a fanfare as the camera shifts and gets up]

Mark: Five o'clock. Time to go home.

[We see Kevin, pushing a mail cart.]

Mark: See you got the last mail run, eh Al?

Kevin: Yeah. [laughs a bit]

Mark: Well, I'll see ya Monday.

Kevin: Yeah, see ya Monday, Stan.

[We see the action from Stan's point of view. He follows Kevin for a bit.]

Mark: So what are you going to do this weekend?

Kevin: Oh, just spend time with the family.

Mark: Yeah. I'm going to a hockey game tonight, but I dunno about tomorrow or Sunday...

Kevin: Oh yeah?

Mark: Well, have a good weekend.

Kevin: You too.

[Mark moves along coming along a group of business men.]

Mark: Hey guys. Have a good weekend.

[Mark moves to a desk where Bruce is typing like mad.]

Mark: Hey! What are you doing, Grahmm? Gonna work late tonight?

Bruce: Yeah... I wanna get this stuff done.

Mark: [laughs] Well, don't kill yourself, huh?

Bruce: I won't, Stan.v [Mark turns around to leave but the turns back quickly.]

Mark: Hey, what's that?

Bruce: I'm sorry....What's what?

Mark: That! [makes an unseen gesture]

Bruce: [looks at shirt pocket] It's a pen.

Mark: Oh yeah.. it looks weird. Well, have a good weekend.

Bruce: You too.

[Mark continues down the hall. A man passes him.]

Mark: Have a good weekend, Lou.

[Mark turns and enters a meeting room, ignoring the sign that says "Meeting in Progress: Do Not Disturb." Dave is in this room, standing up. giving a presentation.]

Dave: And my disappointment in you is compounded, Sharon, by the fact... [turns as she hears the door open] Yes, Stan?

Mark: I just wanted to know if you needed anything.

Dave: No thank you, Stan.

Mark: Well, have a good weekend!

Dave: [impatient] Yes Stan. Could you shut the door, Stan?

Mark: Sure sure. Bye bye.

[Mark closes the door, turns around and runs into somebody, knocking him down.]

Mark: Ah god! Made your car crash. Sorry, Tom.. you okay?

Man: [looks irritated] I'm fine.

Mark: Yeah. Well, have a good weekend.

Man: Yeah.

[Mark moves down the hall and passes a woman in a yellow suit.]

Mark: Have a good weekend there.

[Mark rounds a cubicle corner and approaches an office door. The office occupant is standing in his doorway and closes it as he sees Mark approach. Mark shrugs and does a 90 degree turn left, going behind the cubicle wall. We see Kathie (Bruce) crying and Cathy (Scott) kneeling besides her trying to be comforting.]

Bruce: Death.. it's horrible.

Scott: Oh, Kathie!

Bruce: Yeah. And just heard yesterday that he had a stroke.

Scott: A stroke?!

Bruce: He didn't even feel it!

[They both turn suddenly noticing Stan.]

Scott: Yes, Stan?

Mark: Who had the stroke?

Bruce: My father...

Mark: Oh. [slight pause] Well, have a good weekend!

[Mark walks past the, left turns again back into the hallway. We see a man walk into a different hallway.]

Mark: [calling after] Hey Hadji! Have a good... oh.

[Mark turns and goes into the restroom. We see Danny Husk (Scott) using a urinal.]

Mark: Thought I heard someone in here.

Scott: Oh. Hi, Stan.

Mark: Hey. You going to the hockey game tonight, Mr. Husk?

Scott: Uh... no.

Mark: Well, that's what I'm doing.

Scott: [searches for something to say] Super!

Mark: Yeah, well have a good weekend.

Scott: Okay.

[Mark turns around and exits the bathroom. He wanders the hall, coming into a lobby. He walks up to the secretary who has just taken a package from a Bike Courier. He drums his fingers on a box on the desk until she looks at him.]

Woman: Yes, Stan?

Mark: Hey, I was wondering how long it was going to take for you to notice me, gorgeous.

Woman: You're kinda hard not to notice, Stan.

Mark: [laughs] So, you making plans for the big weekend?

Woman: I guess.

Mark: Well me, I'm going to the hockey game tonight but um.. Saturday's free.

Woman: Oh yeah?

Mark: You still dating that policeman?

Woman: [relieved she finally has a way to get rid of him] Yes!

Mark: [dissapointed] Oh? Well, have a good weekend.

[Mark walks on, towards the elevators. The Bike Courier is there, waiting. The Bell for the elevator rings just as Mark gets there.]

Mark: Hey, thanks for getting the elevator for me.

[We see the doors part and open upon the scene of a nice green backyard, in the middle of a beautiful sunny day. We see a lawn chair which Mark sits in, bowl of chips on a table to the right of the chair. We hear a dog bark in the background and see a sprinkler running.]

Mark: This is the life.

[The POV shot goes up to the sky and past the sun as we fade to white. We fade back in on a picture of the clock in the mail room. It is 8 o'clock.]

Mark: 8 o'clock. Gotta go. Let's get at her.

[Mark turns and places a prescritpion bag on his desk. He turns as Kevin enters, singing.]

Mark: Hey Al. How was your weekend?

Kevin: [turns to Mark] Geez Stan.. what happened to you?

[We see Mark for the first time. Except for his mouth, ears and eyes his face is covered in bandages. His glasses poke through the bandages as does a mop of dirty blond hair. He's wearing a long sleeved rugby shirt, Dockers and suspenders and generally looks like the kind of dorky loser who got beaten up alot in high school.]

Mark: I fell asleep sunbathing yesterday. Out in the hot sun, you know? I got all burned up. Good thing I wasn't sunbathing nude, eh? Imagine what might have happened then, huh? [laughs] So how was your weekend?

Kevin: Good. Good.

Mark: Oh yeah? What did you do?

Kevin: Uh... had a barbacue, actually.

Mark: Anyway, I had to go to the hospital, you know? Emergency room. They said I got second degree burns on my belly and my face here, ya know? Anyway, I gotta use this cream here, ya know? The gave me these creams to use?. Face cream.. this is for my face.... and I've gotta a... belly cream, I guess... some sort of belly cream... I've gotta go back to the hospital, man....

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video