Buddy: The Male Slave

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison (herogreenlantern@hotmail.com)
Cast:

[Setting: Suburbia. The whole skit is shot in black & white in the manner of a school film. Probably something with a title like "Our Friend, Potassium Nitrate" or something or a health class film It has the typical background music you'd expect to hear in this kind of thing (or a Ren and Stimpy cartoon.) Anyway.....]

[An Acme Truck pulls up in front of a house. Two men start to carry a package up to the front of the house.]

Mark V.O.: Today's the big day! The delivery you've been waiting for has finally arrived! It's the magic of catalogue living in the fifties!

[Buddy opens the door. He's wearing his monogrammed robe, fuzzy slippers and has a martini in hand.]

Mark V.O.: Hello Mr. Buddy Cole! Don't you look swell?

[Buddy motions the deliverymen in. They put the box on the floor]

Mark V.O.: Bring it right in, boys. Easy... easy.... there. Uh-oh. There's a COD charge. Not much though. Just seven cents. You'll just have to work an extra hour at the salon tomorrow. [The men leave] Bye, fellas. You've done a good job. Chalk up another one for the working man.

[Buddy turns to the package to see Kevin popping out, in leather bondage gear and mustache, looking a bit like the biker from the Village People.]

Mark V.O.: Meet your new Male Slave.

[We see a caption that reads "The care and keep of the Male Slave"]

Mark V.O.: First, you'll need to brand him. Yeow! That smarts!

[Kevin is branded and we see him run around the room, eventually hiding behind a birdcage. He then runs as Buddy scolds him and tries to crawl under the coffee table.]

Mark V.O.: Then he'll need a few days to aquaintize himself to his surroundings. After all, he's just be separated from an international cartel of white slavers and so he'll miss the other slaves back at the harem. So be firm.

[Buddy fires a gun as Kevin crawls under the table. Kevin jumps up, going into a submissive position.]

Mark V.O.: But remember, your slave needs lots of love and attention these first few weeks.

[We see Scott giving a Kevin a backrub. Scott gets up to answer the phone and Kevin runs off, climbing around the furniture again.]

Mark V.O.: Oh... it looks like someone thinks that life can go on just the way it was before. That's when trouble happens... Uh-oh...

[Kevin crawls around a bit, coming to a light socket. He tries to French-kiss it, giving himself a nasty shock.]

Mark V.O.: He won't do that again.

[Cut to Buddy, reading a book called "How to toilet train your Slave."]

Mark V.O.: The next thing you'll want to do is train your slave. Every slave needs to know where to do his duty. Of course, there can be accidents.

[A stream of urine comes up, hitting Scott in the face.]

Mark V.O.: That's were discipline comes in.

[Scott takes Kevin across his knee and begins spanking him with a ping-pong paddle]

Mark V.O.: A well balanced diet is essential to a slave's well being.

[Cut to Scott preparing a dog bowl for Kevin. It has the name "Brucy" on it.]

Mark V.O.: But take care not to overfeed your slave, or else this might happen.

[Cut to a doctor and nurse pointing using a pointer to point at the gut and thighs of a grossly fat man in the same outfit as Kevin]

Mark V.O.: In order to keep your slave's muscles firm and functioning and to keep his coat glossy, make sure you give him at least two walks a day. You can use this time as an excuse to get out and enjoy some fresh air.

[We see Scott walking Kevin on a leash. They come up to a woman pushing a baby carriage.]

Mark V.O.: There's Mrs. Kessler with her new baby. Say hello, Mr. Cole.

[The two start talking. Scott doesn't notice Kevin getting loose of his leash]

Mark V.O.: These two obviously have a lot to catch up on. Let's leave them for a moment and talk about something a little more serious now. Here's Dr. Robert English to tell us more.

[Cut to a doctor's office. We see Dave sitting at a desk, looking at the camera. In the background is a skeleton in bondage gear along with some diplomas and such on the wall.]

Dave: People who own slaves have been proven to live longer, have lower cholesterol and an overall sense of well-being. Research has shown that seniors can add years to their lives with a loyal slave.

Mark V.O.: Well, goodbye Doctor. Let's see what's happening with our friends back on Elm Street.

[We see Scott and the women gossiping. Suddenly, Scott notices Kevin is gone and runs off looking for him.]

Mark V.O.: Oh, Mr. Cole! You've been so busy gossiping that you didn't even notice your slave slipping away. Bad 1950's homosexual stereotype!

[We see Buddy come back to his bedroom, the clothes are all tossed about the room Kevin looks at Scott sheepishly from behind the bed.]

Mark V.O.: Luckily for you slaves have a built-in homing instinct. Maybe if you spent more time playing with your slave and less time playing with yourself, he wouldn't feel compelled to act out in such an anti-social manner. An unhappy slave is a potential killer.

[Cut to Scott and Kevin playing. Kevin is running around in a straight line, blindfolded. He turns each time Scott slaps his behind with a riding crop]

Mark V.O.: So, take the time each day to play with your slave. Remember; a slave treated with love and respect can live up to 73 years.

[The music stops as Scott looks at the camera.]

Scott: What?!?! I was told they only live six months, you know, like sea monkeys? Well, this one's going right back to the store.

[Scott drags Kevin off screen as we fade to black and "The End" appears.]


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video