Buddy: Performs Marriage Ceremony

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: ERigby1000@aol.com
Cast: Mark: I love you.

Kevin: I love you too.

Mark: I know.

Scott: Two more Susan Lucci's boys?

Mark: No, not tonight, lets have two Heather Locklear's.

Scott: Oh...

Mark and Kevin: We're feeling blond!

Scott: Two Locklear's.

Mark: Buddy...

Scott: Hmmm?

Mark: Did you know that it was our anniversary tonight?

Scott: Noo?

Mark: Yes.

Scott: Well, Felicitations!

Mark: Thank you.

Scott: So how long have you two love birds been together?

Mark: 3 years.

Scott: Huh (gasp noise). 3 years... I once knew someone for 3 days.

Kevin: We're so in love.

Scott: Aww.

Kevin: But we have no legally sanctioned way to show it to the world.

Scott: I know! We're so lucky.

Mark: No, Buddy you don't understand, we want to.

Scott: Are we talking Marri-age here?

Mark: Yes.

Kevin: Oh, we would if we could. All we need is a minister that would do it.

Scott: A minister? Well I used to be an Anglican minister. Yes in fact.,I still have my collar.

[Bartender hands him a silver and black dog-type collar]

Scott: Thanks! [Back to the Davids] You know what? I can still perform marriages as long as I don't practice homosexuality during the ceremony. It's so I wont come on to the groom.

Kevin: What made you leave Buddy?

Scott: I came on to the groom.

Mark: Dare we?

Kevin: We daset not.

Scott: [putting the Locklear's on the bar in front of them] Here we are.

Mark: Buddy?

Scott: Yes?

Mark: Would you marry us?

Scott: Marry you? Well it wouldn't be legal persay.

Kevin: But it's the symbolism that's important.

Scott: Oh, I do love a good cymbal. It's the only instrument I can play.

Mark: Oh, please Buddy, would you do it?

Scott: Well I don't know... It's not like we're that busy and well I do happen to have some bridal wear left over from fetish night. Here put these on [hands them white top hats with veils hanging off of them]. Remember, you lose 90% of your heat through the top of your head, ya know. Now, we're going to need ourselves a Bible. Where am I gonna find that?

[Bartender hands him book]

Scott: Oh, this will do. [He holds it up to the camera, it's Rush Limbaugh's:] "The Way Things Ought To Be," I hate him! I was going to use that title for *my* book. Oh well... Now we need a bride's maid.

Guy in bar: Shooters!

Scott: He'll do. Oh, look the music. Mmm... exciting isn't it?

Mark: Yeah.

Scott: OK... Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in the eyes of God, that fat black lesbian in the sky, to unite these two men... [points at Mark]

Mark: David.

Scott: and... [points at Kevin]

Kevin: David.

Scott: I KNEW it. In holy matrimony. If anybody objects, speak now or forever hold your peace. [Looks around] Well *I* object!

Mark and Kevin: What?

Scott: Well I'm sorry I just don't think marriage works for anybody. Except MAYBE lesbians. I mean lets face it, we're faggots, the world hates us. Why ruin a good thing? [Hugs book with pout on his face.]

Kevin: We're not "fags," Buddy.

Mark: Buddy, we don't like that term.

Scott: Oh?

Kevin: We prefer gay.

Scott: Well I prefer sodomite. It goes along with my concept that the world's a big jail.

Kevin: What's the matter Buddy? Sounds to me like someone's bitter.

Mark: Bitter.

Scott: Bitter. NO I'm not bitter, I'm just lashing out over the recession. [makes a clawing/pawing gesture] Business isn't good and now I'm forced to perform marriage ceremonies for free.

Mark: We'll pay you.

Scott: Oh! I now pronounce you David and David. You may now kiss the bride, kiss the groom, kiss the broom.

[People in bar cheer... awws etc...]

Mark: Buddy, thank you.

Scott: Oh...

Mark: You don't know how happy you've mad us, We've been waiting so long to have sex... [runs for Kevin]

Scott: David, you forgot something.

Mark: Oh, uh, yes. [Hands him money] Thank you Buddy.

Scott: Thank you.

Kevin: Baaa!

Mark: Woof!

Kevin: Baa!

Mark: Woof! Woof!

Scott: [to audience] I feel like a prostitute. Why is it that when I was a minister everything I ever did made me feel like a prostitute and when I was a prostitute everything I ever did made me feel holy! It reminds me of a line Oscar Wilde once stole from me, "I may be lying in the gutter but I'm staring up at the stars honey!" The honey was mine. [Guzzles down his drink.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video