Transcribed from: Comedy CentralCast:
Transcribed by: ERigby1000@aol.com
Mark: I love you.
- Scott- Buddy
- Mark- David 1
- Kevin- David 2
- Men- Bartender and Shooters guy
Kevin: I love you too.
Mark: I know.
Scott: Two more Susan Lucci's boys?
Mark: No, not tonight, lets have two Heather Locklear's.
Mark and Kevin: We're feeling blond!
Scott: Two Locklear's.
Mark: Did you know that it was our anniversary tonight?
Scott: Well, Felicitations!
Mark: Thank you.
Scott: So how long have you two love birds been together?
Mark: 3 years.
Scott: Huh (gasp noise). 3 years... I once knew someone for 3 days.
Kevin: We're so in love.
Kevin: But we have no legally sanctioned way to show it to the world.
Scott: I know! We're so lucky.
Mark: No, Buddy you don't understand, we want to.
Scott: Are we talking Marri-age here?
Kevin: Oh, we would if we could. All we need is a minister that would do it.
Scott: A minister? Well I used to be an Anglican minister. Yes in fact.,I still have my collar.
[Bartender hands him a silver and black dog-type collar]
Scott: Thanks! [Back to the Davids] You know what? I can still perform marriages as long as I don't practice homosexuality during the ceremony. It's so I wont come on to the groom.
Kevin: What made you leave Buddy?
Scott: I came on to the groom.
Mark: Dare we?
Kevin: We daset not.
Scott: [putting the Locklear's on the bar in front of them] Here we are.
Mark: Would you marry us?
Scott: Marry you? Well it wouldn't be legal persay.
Kevin: But it's the symbolism that's important.
Scott: Oh, I do love a good cymbal. It's the only instrument I can play.
Mark: Oh, please Buddy, would you do it?
Scott: Well I don't know... It's not like we're that busy and well I do happen to have some bridal wear left over from fetish night. Here put these on [hands them white top hats with veils hanging off of them]. Remember, you lose 90% of your heat through the top of your head, ya know. Now, we're going to need ourselves a Bible. Where am I gonna find that?
[Bartender hands him book]
Scott: Oh, this will do. [He holds it up to the camera, it's Rush Limbaugh's:] "The Way Things Ought To Be," I hate him! I was going to use that title for *my* book. Oh well... Now we need a bride's maid.
Guy in bar: Shooters!
Scott: He'll do. Oh, look the music. Mmm... exciting isn't it?
Scott: OK... Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in the eyes of God, that fat black lesbian in the sky, to unite these two men... [points at Mark]
Scott: and... [points at Kevin]
Scott: I KNEW it. In holy matrimony. If anybody objects, speak now or forever hold your peace. [Looks around] Well *I* object!
Mark and Kevin: What?
Scott: Well I'm sorry I just don't think marriage works for anybody. Except MAYBE lesbians. I mean lets face it, we're faggots, the world hates us. Why ruin a good thing? [Hugs book with pout on his face.]
Kevin: We're not "fags," Buddy.
Mark: Buddy, we don't like that term.
Kevin: We prefer gay.
Scott: Well I prefer sodomite. It goes along with my concept that the world's a big jail.
Kevin: What's the matter Buddy? Sounds to me like someone's bitter.
Scott: Bitter. NO I'm not bitter, I'm just lashing out over the recession. [makes a clawing/pawing gesture] Business isn't good and now I'm forced to perform marriage ceremonies for free.
Mark: We'll pay you.
Scott: Oh! I now pronounce you David and David. You may now kiss the bride, kiss the groom, kiss the broom.
[People in bar cheer... awws etc...]
Mark: Buddy, thank you.
Mark: You don't know how happy you've mad us, We've been waiting so long to have sex... [runs for Kevin]
Scott: David, you forgot something.
Mark: Oh, uh, yes. [Hands him money] Thank you Buddy.
Scott: Thank you.
Mark: Woof! Woof!
Scott: [to audience] I feel like a prostitute. Why is it that when I was a minister everything I ever did made me feel like a prostitute and when I was a prostitute everything I ever did made me feel holy! It reminds me of a line Oscar Wilde once stole from me, "I may be lying in the gutter but I'm staring up at the stars honey!" The honey was mine. [Guzzles down his drink.]