A.T. & Love: Brown Stuff

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison (herogreenlantern@hotmail.com)
Cast: [Setting: The Boss's office. Danny stand with a coffee cup while the boss sits]

[Danny stands looking at the boss questioningly as the boss sits lost in thought, holding a handkerchief to his mouth. He turns slightly and suddenly notices Danny]

Dave: Oh! Danny! Danny....Hi there!

Scott: You wanted to see me, sir?

Dave: Yes. Yes, I did Dan. Um.. have a seat there, Dan. [Motions at chair.]

Scott: Yep. [sits down]

Dave: Well, well, well.

Scott: [nods] Okay.

Dave: Danny, I've never discussed anything personal with you before, have I Danny?

Scott: No sir, but that's okay. I've never considered my self much of a.. uh, person.

Dave: [laughs] Yes, well right you are there, Dan, you know, but uh.. I need a little bit of advice if you don't mind because um... [starts trying to laugh a bit] well, cause lately.. um.. because.. brown stuff has started coming out of my mouth. [starts laughing] And you know....

Scott: [laughs along] Sir, this brown stuff.... it's always been liquid?

Dave: Yes, Dan. Yes, Yes. Liquid always, yes.

Scott: Never a solid or maybe even chunky?

Dave: Oh, no ,no, no. No no. Never solid or chunky. Why? Does that mean something, Dan?

Scott: Oh no. Just curious.

Dave: Oh. [gets up and walks behind Scott] You know Dan, I always, you know, figured that I did everything right, you know. I've always felt like, you know, I was no big hero or anything, but I've always felt that I did the right things, you know. I mean, I never asked for the moon or the stars but... Dan, I'm over here now.

Scott: Okay. [turns to Dave]

Dave: I mean, I never asked for the moon and ther stars, but I achieved all the goals that I set for myself and now... well...brown stuff!

Scott: Sir, if I may? Maybe this brown stuff is a.. is a... is is is a.... a symbol of all the stuff you've repressed in your life?

Dave: Dammit Danny, it's not a symbol! It's brown stuff! And it's coming out of my mouth! Oh well. At least it's odorless.

Scott: Hmm.. yeah. Sure is.

Dave: So it's a.. it's a... well.... in no way... poo based?

Scott: So there's no need to see a doctor.

Dave: Right Dan! There's the bright side I was looking for!

Scott: Okay. Great!

Dave: That's the silver lining I was hoping to hear. [sits back down] Ah, Danny, Danny, Danny. Ah-boy.

Scott: Oh, sir.

Dave: Ahhh.

Scott: Yeah.

Dave: All the years huh?

Scott: Yeah. [laughs]

Dave: You've been here a long time, haven't you Dan?

Scott: Yes sir.

Dave: And you know I've always kind thought of you as sort of... well, a son, really. So... So tell me.. um.. you married OR WHAT? You got a family OR WHAT?

Scott: Well um.. DAD... I have a lovely wife and two lovely children. Though I haven't seen the kids very much lately so I assume they've grown up and moved out.

Dave: Well, that must be nice for you Dan. That must be.. that must be nice.

Scott: I think it is.

Dave: Yeah.. yeah.. well there.. there you go.

Scott: Okay.

Dave: That's it.. boy oh boy.

Scott: Oh!

Dave: Righto!

Scott: Okay.

Dave: [laughs]

Scott: [laughs and gives a thumbs up]

Dave: [gives a thumbs up]

Scott: [gives a thumbs up]

Dave: [gives a thumbs up]

Scott: Um, sir?

Dave: Yes?

Scott: Sir? Are you trying to hold me here because you don't want to be alone?

Dave: [laughs] Yes I am, Dan. I guess I just don't feel like being alone right now.

Scott: Okay.

[The two look at each other, looking very uncomfortable.]

Dave: [suddenly] Hey! I got an idea, Dan!

Scott: Okay.

Dave: Why don't you say you go keep me company somewhere else?

Scott: Okay. Why don't I keep you company in my own office?

Dave: That would be great.

Scott: Sir? [holds his mug out] If you don't mind, can I have some of that brown stuff in a cup? I think my wife might get a kick out of it.

Dave: [stares at Scott in disbelief]

Scott: Okay. [walks out the door, giving the thumbs up as he stops in the door and walks off]


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video