Liquidation Sale

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison (
Cast: [Setting: A Local General Store, apparently having some kind of sale.]

[Scott is looking at a lamp. Mark walks up to her. As they speak, Scott speaks with a spanish accent and Mark with a Jackie Mason like voice.]

Mark: Excuse me. Can I help you?

Scott: No thank you. [switches lamp on]

Mark: Hey, hey, hey! What are you're doing there? What are you doing?

Scott: I was just turning it on and off. [turns the lamp off]

Mark: Hey hey hey! Look now! You broke it!

Scott: I was just seeing if it works! I was just turning it on and off! That's how lamps work!

Mark: Look, look, look......Stop talking gibberish and start respecting my merchandise.

[Mark walks about two steps away and mutters.]

Mark: [muttering] You won't be happy until you break something, will you?

[Mark moves on a bit and sees Dave trying some shoes on.]

Mark: Oh, please, please, please, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys....please, please.

Dave: [looks up, confused] Guys?

Mark: What are you doing with those shoes?

Dave: I'm just trying them on.

Mark: Yeah, but you're putting your feet in them. You don't put your feet in them. You'll break them. And what are you doing with those um.. um... [says Um several times stammering]

Dave: Laces?

Mark: All right, Smartass.. get out of the store! Get out of the store.

Dave: But I ...

[Dave tries to point out that he is still wearing the shoes he was planning to buy but Mark chases him out of the store anyway, not noting the old sneakers Dave is trying to show him. Mark moves along and spots Bruce and a woman, each holding a baby looking at several sets of mirrors in the corner of the store.]

Mark: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Please, please, please, please sir. Don't look into the mirror. You'll break it.

Bruce: What? How am I going to break a mirror by looking into it?

Mark: Are you a mirror expert?

Bruce: No....

Mark: Well then shut your trap and start respecting the merchandise! Okay?

Bruce: I just....

Mark: Allright! That's it crazy man. Get out of the store.

[Enter Kevin. He looks like Mark's twin. Well at least in so far as two men wearing the same wig, same outfit and using the same outragously offensive stereotypical cheap Jewish store owner accent can look like like twins. Anyway....]

Kevin: What's the problem, Al?

Mark: We've got vermin here.

Kevin: Why do all the vermin come into THIS liquidation store?

Mark: I dunno...

Bruce: I was just looking in the mirror! I just went like this. [looks in the mirror]

Kevin: Don't look in the mirror! You don't know what you're doing!

[Mark escorts Bruce and Kevin escorts the woman as they both mutter a bunch of nonsensical gibberish that can't be made out. Bruce tries a final "I just..." protest]

Mark: Well, we're trying to run a store here... you're trying to run a.. a…playground!

Kevin: You know, Al? It strikes me that there's so many people out there that are very insane!

Mark: [motions at direction Bruce exited ]Craziest fellow. We're surrounded by crazies! I mean, we're trying to run a store here and they're trying to run a merry-go-round!

Kevin: Or a Santa Claus party?!?!

Mark: Or maybe they think it's what? A birthday party?

Kevin: Or a crackhouse?

Mark: Yeah. No! This is a business!

Kevin: It's a business!

[The two men groan in unison as they look to their right and move to the counter where a young woman is checking out Scott.]

Mark: Miss? Please, please, please. I thought I told you not to play with the lamp?

Scott: I'm buying it!

Kevin: Well then buy it! Don't play with it!

Mark: [looking at cashier who is working on the cash register] And what are you doing there?

Girl: I'm ringing up a sale.

Kevin: Are you crazy?!?! You're going to break it!

Mark: Yeah! Don't touch it!

Girl: Well, how else am I going to do my job?!?!

Kevin: Well, if you don't know, then you're fired!

[Mark and Kevin shove the girl out the door.]

Mark: This is a business! Not Euro-Disney!

Kevin: Or Neverneverland!

[They turn around to see Scott still standing there.]

Scott: I'm waiting for my change.

Mark: You want change? You go to a bank.

Scott: I still want my change.

Kevin: That's it! Get out of the store, you crazy lady!

[Mark puts the lamp in a bag and tosses it out the door, which Kevin holds open. Scott runs after it and we hear a breaking noise.]

Kevin: Al, we've got to come to the store more than once a week.

Mark: This is insane. It's like nobody here knows what they're doing.

Kevin: I know!

Mark: You know, this is a business. It's isn't some trip to Florida with your Aunt and your Uncle and your two nephews.

Kevin: Or dinner with an old army buddy who brings along an attractive daughter.

[The two break off into random mumblings again.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video