Bleeding Ear

Transcribed from: CBS
Transcribed by:
Cast: [Enter restaurant scene with Dave and Kevin, as a woman, are seated at a table]

Kevin: That's so true; cats are like that.

[Both laugh, while Dave takes drink from glass]

Dave: Oh, gosh, I'm having such a good time.

Kevin: Me, too.

Dave: You know, I've really been looking forward to tonight. You're probably not aware of this, but, uh, I've had kind of a crush on you for some time now.

Kevin: Yeah, I kind of thought so.

[Both chuckle]

Dave: Gee, and I thought I was playing my cards so close to my chest.

Kevin: Oh, you were; you were just holding them the wrong way around.

[Both chuckle]

Dave: Oh, gosh, you're beautiful, Cathy. [Blood starts spittering from Dave's ear]

Kevin: [with a little shock] Barry?

Dave: [smiling] Yes, Cathy?

Kevin: Your ear's bleeding!

Dave: Hmm? [Touches ear and looks at blood on hand] Oh, God, you're right. It is bleeding just a little bit, isn't it? I'm sure its nothing. Let's not let this ruin our evening. What do you say we order? [Blood starts streaming out of Dave's ear]

[Bruce, as the waiter, walks up to take Dave and Kevin's order]

Bruce: Good evening, let me tell about our specials [looking at Dave's ear, confused]...and can I get you something for your ear?

Dave: [laughs] My ear's fine, thanks.

Bruce:: O.K. fine. This evening's specials: the fowl is chicken, the seafood is fish, the meat is beef, and the soup is curried.

Dave and Kevin: Mmm!

Dave: I think we need a few minutes to decide and while we're waiting, can you bring us a bottle of Fastino? please?

Bruce: Right away, sir. [walks off camera]

Dave: Thank you very much.

Kevin: Barry, maybe we should call the date off, just for now, and maybe take you to a hospital?

Dave: [dazed] No, no, no, no, I wouldn't hear of it. It's nothing, it's nothing at all. I asure it's nothing. You know what it probably is? I've had a bit of a cold lately. This is probably just...from the cold.

Kevin: I've never heard of a bleeding ear as a cold symptom.

Dave: [Blood continuing to spurt out of Dave's ear] Well, maybe its turning into the flu, I don't know. [Laughing] Cathy, is it just me or is it insanely freezing in here? I just can't get warm all of a sudden.

[Bruce enters with bottle of wine]

Bruce: Sir, would you like to try the wine?

Dave: Oh, sure.

[Dave turns his head to face Bruce and sprays some of the blood into his wine glass]

Dave: Oh, O.K. [drinks from glass with blood in it] Here we go. It's salty, but I like it.

[Bruce sets bottle down and leaves in disgust]

Kevin: Barry, I really think we should go.

Dave: [weak and dazed] This is about the ear, right? O.K., let me tell you what I'll do. I'll just turn sideways and you won't be able to see the ear and then we can relax and enjoy the evening together and act like nothing's wrong [turns blood-spurting ear towards other restaurant patrons and sprays them. All other restaurant patrons get up and leave.] Oh, Cathy, now this really bugs me. [drunkedly] I mean, here we are, in the middle of a recession and, frankly, there are people starving all over the world and this restaurant sees fit to serve food to empty tables. The waste, Cathy, the waste of it.

Kevin: Barry? Barry?!

Dave: [still drunkenly] Wow, a talking cat!

Kevin: It's me, Cathy.

Dave: [drunkenly] Oh, hi, Cathy!

Kevin: Barry, please let me drive you to the hospital!

Dave: [drunkenly, slurred speech] No, I'm gonna drive YOU to the hospital.

Kevin: Barry, let me drive you to the hospital.

Dave: [slurred speech, drunkenly] No, I'M gonna drive YOU to the hospital.

[Bruce enters again]

Bruce: Sir, I'm going to drive you to the hospital.

Dave: [slurred speech, drunkenly] No, I'M gonna drive YOU to the hospital. [poking Bruce in the stomach while saying this] Oh, look, Cathy, the street lights are on. I'd better be gettin' home or my mom's gonna kill me. [passes out and bangs head on table. Blood still spurting out of ear.]

Kevin: I'd better drive him to the hospital.

Bruce: Yes, I'll drive him to the hospital.

Kevin: No, he's my date. I'll drive him to the hospital.

Bruce: Well, actually, I work here, so I'll drive him to the hospital.

[Blood stops spurting]

Kevin: Oh, never mind, he's dead. So what do you do?

[Changes scene to black and shows Dave in blackness with light showing on him, like he's dead and talking to God]

Mark: Come into the light.

Dave: Huh?

Mark: Your suffering is at an end. Come into the light.

Dave: Is this about the ear?

Mark: Just come into the light.

Dave: 'Cause really it's nothing.

Mark: Look, I know what I'm doing.

Dave: But, really I'm fine. Look, it stopped bleeding already.

Mark: That's because you're dead. Now, come into the light.

Dave: No, I'm fine.

Mark: Fine, I'm not going to beg.

[Light disappears leaving Dave in darkness]

Dave: So, uh, I should just be getting back to Earth, then, now. O.K. so, um, which way should I, um [pauses] uh, oh.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video