Big Bucks

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison (
Cast: [Setting: An Apartment]

[We view the room through a camera in the ceiling looking down. A fan is slightly up and to the left of our view. The fan blades move slowly and we hear a woosh of air as each blade passes. Past the blades, we can see Bruce, lying on a bed.]

[We cut to a shot of a record player that has run to the end of the record and is just making a scraping noise. We then cut to a sink where the water is still running. Each of these shots is done withe the camera above, spinning slightly, as if the camera were on the fan blades.]

[We cut to an glass, again with the camera spinning from above. We see and hear a large fly, caught in the glass. We then cut to Bruce's POV, looking at the ceiling fan and then to the fan looking down on Bruce. We then hear a buzzing noise and close up on Bruce... it is him making the noise in his sleep or rather, his trance.Bruce gets up and looks at the fly.]

Fly: [the fly speaks with a slight buzz in his voice] You caught me well. Dropping out of high school WAS the right thing to do. [Bruce moves away. We cut to many flies crawling on a glass surface. Another cut and we see that the surface is Bruce's glasses... the flies are crawling on the INSIDE of them.]

Flies: You were right to drop out..... it is you who are the bigger.

[The phone next to the bed rings. Bruce grunts slightly and gets up, answering it.]

Bruce: You're not disturbing me. I know it's late. But that's why I get paid the big bucks. Yeah. I know the place. No. Don't worry about it. You stay in bed with your good lady wife. Hey. It's already done. [hangs up]

[Bruce looks at the record player as we close in on it. We hear some light opera music, but not from the player. We then cut to Bruce wearing some kind of uniform. It looks like it is made mostly of spare sporting gear and a pith helmet with a miners light attached to it.]

[Bruce switches his hat light on and we close in on it. We slowly fade on another light. That of a moped, which we see Bruce riding in front of a blue screen, which projects a sped-up scene of highway traffic behind him, implying that he is moving very fast towards his destination.]

[We see a group of people, standing around something, looking down. They look up as they hear the motorcycle. Bruce steps out of a dramatic fog that just happened to come out of nowhere. Bruce is approached by a mountie, who stands outside of the circle.]

Bruce: I'm him.

Mountie: I would have done something but it's at times like this my gun is useless.

Bruce: What time is it?

Mountie: It's 10 til 4.

Bruce: No. The time is now.

[Bruce walks forward, the people moving away from him allowing him in. We pan down to see a run over squirrel. Not a real one, of course. A rather cartoonish looking one with his tounge sticking out. In Bruce's mind, it speaks.]

Squirrel: [moans] You were right to drop out.

[Bruce grunts and grabs what looks like a sword hilt on his back. From what we can see it appears to be a spatuala of some kind. In one fluid motion, he pulls it out, scoops up the roadkill and sends it into the air. The people look up at it as it spins and comes to land in a pouch by Bruce's side. The circle looks back down and there is nothing left but a slightly greasy spot where the squirrel was. Heat still rising from the moist spot.]

[Cut again to Bruce riding his moped agains the bright fast lights of the city.]

[Cut to a night club called "The Pipe." Exterior. A limo pulls up. Bruce simply stands there watching the limo, Opera music still playing in his head. He approaches the limo as it stops, and turns out his helmet light. The window lowers and we see two men and a woman inside. The woman smiles hungrily and holds out a silver platter, with several 20 dollar bills on it. She licks her lips and says "Gimmie" and "Come to Momma" several times as Bruce takes the money and deposits the squirrel on the platter. The woman moans happily and then takes a second look at Bruce.]

Woman: Hey. Weren't you in my science class?

Bruce: I went to high school for a while. But then I left. Pretty much on my own terms. And now... I get paid the big bucks.

Woman: [nods and smiles at the other men] Party time boys.

[We cut to Bruce kick-starting the moped and get another view of him driving through the city, with all it's flashing lights and opera music and stuff.]

[Cut back to the apartment. We see the fan view again, along with the WOOSH of the blades passing. Bruce lies on the bed, and looks at one of the 20's. It speaks.]

Big Bucks: I am why you dropped out of high school. I am the big bucks! But look at what you have... who doesn't? [Evil Laughter] You failed English and dropped out! [even more evil laughter]

[Bruce quickly glances around the room and sees images of himself frowning on either side of him as the evil laughter continues]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video